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Friday, December 5, 2014

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Speed on the Beat Reviews: The Great American Bash 1991

No one is safe from "Was It Really That Bad?" Review, let's get that out the way now. I'll look at WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, TNA, ROH--pretty much wherever there was a crap PPV, you'll get my feedback on it. Today, we're going to go back in time, to 1991. In 1991, you could get a gallon of gas for $1.10 a gallon, Nirvana released their debut album, and we got treated to this show. This is the PPV right after Ric Flair left WCW--and right after WCW left the NWA. So, we knew it was going to be a bit of a let-down. But, was it really that bad?

When you've got this as a promo for your event, you may be off to a bad start.

Our event starts with synthy "goodness" and a long shot of someone walking into the Baltimore Civic Center Baltimore Arena 1st Mariner Arena Royal Farms Arena as it's known today in Baltimore, Maryland. Yes, I'm aware in '91, it was the Baltimore Arena. I'm from Baltimore. Anyway, this person gets flipped off by someone in line, gets a confused look from an old Black woman, buys a ticket for the event and makes their way to their seat. Tony Schiavone and Jim Ross are calling the action, and we are underway.

Our first match of the night is PN News (the rapping fat-ass above; I only call him a "fat-ass" because his raps are atrocious and make hip-hop look like a mockery) and Beautiful Bobby vs. the team of Stone Cold--I mean STUNNING Steve Austin and Terry Taylor in a scaffold match. I never noticed how much Austin at this point in his career looks like Chris Jericho.

A shot from the scaffold reveals a lot of empty seats for this event. Austin and Bobby Eaton fool around for a bit until they lock up. The problem with this match is that, like most scaffold matches, it's slow and pointless. And because New Jack isn't here, no one's going to get thrown off the scaffold. It also looks like no one really cares about putting on a show. There are lots of rest spots, lots of f***ery. The match ends when Eaton grabs Austin's flag, gets sprayed with hair spray or something, then they brawl underneath the scaffold.

JR and Tony speak on the controversy of Flair leaving the company with the WCW Championship (which would be a selling point of Flair's when he pops up in WWE later on in '91). We get a toss to a young Eric Bischoff (who looks like he's got more makeup on than a Total Diva) speaking with Paul E. Dangerously (a/k/a Paul "My Client Brrrrrock Lessssnar" Heyman) with Arn Anderson speaking on their match between Rick Steiner and Missy Hyatt. Yeah. This is a thing.

Next up, we have Razo--I mean The Diamond Studd with Diamond Dallas Page versus Tom Zenk. I honestly give two craps about this match. It was cool seeing Page and Scott Hall in a match together before they really took off in their respective careers. But, Zenk has the charisma of a frozen turd here. The announcers hyped up Studd's finisher, but he ends up getting the win with a suplex.

We then are treated to--OH MY GOD! IT'S OZ! Oz (Kevin Nash) faces off with the Damn Man, Ron Simmons. So, lemme get this straight. We're gonna give a hot talent (Simmons) who is a little while away from becoming the first Black heavyweight champion a match against the f***ing Wizard of Oz--who has Merlin by his side? In what sort of Bizarro World does that make sense. Sadly, the match is even worse. Unlike a lot of people, I think that Kevin Nash does have some wrestling talent. But, this is rookie Nash we're talking about. Rookie Nash in a get-up that makes him more like Piccolo from Dragon Ball than a wrestler. Rookie Nash who does more posing than actual--ok, that's pretty much Nash at any venture. The crowd is one of the rowdiest early '90s crowds I've seen over this match, as they start shitting on this match so...damn...much.

Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson come out, start brawling and get things started. Morton is joined by Alexandra York, a manager who--apparently--has data on every wrestler ever in a calculator-looking "laptop." The spots in this match are highly rehearsed. It's like watching a Divas match, but worse. This crap goes on for seventeen minutes. They start catfighting, stalling, and everything that you don't  want to do in a middle-of-the-card match. The match, thankfully, ends when Bill Alfonso gets hit by York's laptop, and Morton gets the pin.

Goldu--I mean Dustin Rhodes (I'm sorry. I sometimes I can't differentiate a talent when they're so well-known for one gimmick) and the Young Pistols (well, there's a name that wouldn't fly in WWE today) go up against The Fabulous Freebirds in an elimination tag match. Only memerable thing about this match was Rhodes hitting a bulldog/dropkick combo on Badstreet and Big Daddy Dink to get the win for his team.

Next, we get one of True's worst gimmicks of all-time, Blackface McCoon himself, Johnny B. Badd. Badd is going against The Yellow Dog (a/k/a Brian Pillman). Apparently, at this point, Pillman leads the crowd in chants questioning Badd's sexuality. I didn't pay any attention to this match. At all. It was sloppy, it was disgusting, it had Johnny B. Badd in it--nuff said.

Do I have to continue? (Ed. Note: Yes, Speed, you do. I'll let you skip the El Gigante and Little People/One Man Gang match--along with the Big Josh match--but that's it).

Next, after skipping the aforementioned matches (seriously, don't watch them), we get Nikita Koloff and Sting in a Russian Chain match. Can I skip this one, too? (Ed. Note: No, Speed, you can't)

Nikita Koloff is, these days, known for changing his name to Nikita Koloff and having his family on a Lifetime "docusoap," Preachers' Daughters. Back in the '80s and '90s, Koloff was an upper midcarder/lower main eventer who had feuds with Ric Flair, Magnum T.A., Dusty Rhodes, and more. This match, however, was kind of meh. For starters, it's a "four-corners" match. Two, it ended with a screwy finish.

Our first main event is the crap-show of Barry Windham (yes, Bray Wyatt's uncle) and Lex Luger in a steel cage for the new WCW World Heavyweight Championship. Just watch the match. Now, we know from the jump it won't win any MOTY awards, but it was...not that good. Oh, and Luger turns heel.

Finally, we get our "real" main event: Rick Steiner and Missy Hyatt versus Paul E. Dangerously and Arn Anderson. Hyatt gets abducted (yikes) by two Dicks. Seriously, Dick Murdoch and Dick Slater take her backstage. Afterwards, we see Paul Heyman take a bump from Rick's finisher and win.

At this point, I just threw up my hands, said f*** it and threw my computer out the window. Or I would have if I didn't have to finish this review.

I wanted to be funny with this one, but it was just...so...damn...bad.


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