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Wednesday, January 21, 2015

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Death to the "Everyone Brawl" Pre-Rumble Spot

It's the Jericho of EOTR, Speed on the Beat, back with a nugget of information. The WWE is lazy, who knew? Sarcasm aside, I just read over the Smackdown spoilers for Thursday’s go-home show for the Royal Rumble. The show seems crap, but at least Daniel Bryan was in the main event. That’s always a good thing, right?

More on SD, Rumble, and DB's forklift fail after the jump

Well, almost always a good thing. Seriously, why the hell did Bryan have to drive the forklift at negative five MPH? And why was the lift so…damn…slow? And oh, my God! Kane having to push himself off the lift? Come on! I get that Daniel Bryan was going through hell (injuries, deaths in the family, etc.) and I respect him for still going out with all that on his mind and performing. But this match was horrid, putrid, and just plain sucktastic.

But anyway, back to Smackdown. After the Daniel Bryan main event match—ironically enough, versus Kane—just as it’s been for years, we got the greatest, rarely seen segment in wrestling history to close the show. Move over, Hulk lifting Andre the Giant for a body slam. Fuck off, CM Punk knocking The Rock out on RAW 1000. Hell, fuck off, CM Punk spots in general. And Rock versus Austin at X-7 can't even hold the sweaty jockstrap of the type of segment I'm referring to. I’m, of course, talking about the “hey, guys! Let’s just throw everyone in the promotion out into the ring and have them beat the living fuck out of each other to add ‘mystery’ to who’s going to win the Rumble/random battle royale/Money in the Bank/Divas Championship” spot used to close out most go-home shows pre-Rumble. Oh, joy!

...crap, I said that I was putting sarcasm aside.

We live in an age where information is available practically before it happens. We live in a world where we have a network, a you-can-buy-our-WWE-lite-programming-on-YouTube setup (sorry TNA, I had to dump on you, since you’ve been guilty of this crap as well), and a slew of indies making leaps and bounds. But, we haven’t figured out a way to showcase your Battle Royal contestants in a way that doesn’t make the entire roster seem like they’re the offspring of Eugene? I know, “if it worked once, keep it going.” That’s how we keep getting authority figures such as…The Authority. 

But, this segment doesn’t work at all. We know that Justin Gabriel has as much a chance of winning as I have at going platinum on my next CD (Ed. Note: Go get that DOTK by the way. Still only a buck). No one in their right mind will pick El Torito to win anything other than "Worst Gimmick who isn't dressed up like a bunny." And we all know that Kofi's just going to have a crazy spot, get knocked out the ring, do some Spider-Man flippy-do shit, then get knocked the fuck out again by some monster heel (probably Rusev, reigniting the Rusev vs. the NAACP angle WWE had going earlier in Rusev's streak). All we, as fans, get is a time-killer until the PPV. Yes, Darren Young (or someone like Darren Young) gets a paycheck. I'm not against getting your money. However, I'm against WWE doing the same spot year in, year out. 

Here's a novel idea: y'know that "Santino Royal Rumble Lottery Clusterfuck" you have on the Network? The thing where people get to know who's going to be in the fucking Rumble?! Use that (and only that) to showcase who's going to be in the Rumble, aside from people who actually have a turd's chance in hell to win. I mean, for fuck's sake! You're hosting it on the Network, the thing you're trying to make a huge profit off of? Why give it away for free on Smackdown or RAW?! Enough of the foolishness. #SorryForCussing.


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