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Monday, February 16, 2015

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WIRTB Review: Backlash 2006

Greetings, losers and lovers. It's me, the man who taught Daniel Bryan about facial hair, the man who advised CM Punk to follow his dreams of getting the crap kicked out of him for reals, the one and only SOTB!!! back with another exciting edition of "Was It Really That Bad?" Review. For those who are unaware, WIRTB takes some of the crappiest PPVs known to man, puts them under a microscope, and asks, in hindsight, "was it really that bad?" Today, we look at that one time God got into the ring. I'm sure somewhere, an atheist is blowing their load over this one still.

But, before we get to the father of the Anointed One's debut in the WWE, we've got to get through the rest of this crap. We open with a video package full of Ruthless Aggression tropes: blood, tables, brooding faces, Vince McMahon referring to Shane as "the product of my semen." Y'know, normal shit for 2006 WWE. Oh, and JAAAAAAWNNNN CEEEENA, Edge, and Triple H yelling at the camera about the triple threat for the WWE Title. I'll be honest, this package actually (kind of) made me forget that this PPV was going to be hell on wheels.

And then the intro music hit.

Our first match of the night, because fuck Heat, is Carlito versus Chris Masters. For those who remember, Carlito and Chris Masters were feuding with each other because reasons. Well, technically, Chris Masters turned heel after attacking Carlito (who'd been attacking Masters post-match for somewhere short of two months before this) and they've been feuding ever since. But, "because reasons" just fits so much better with this match.

Carlito comes out to a pop and, after being choked out with his own shirt, gets leveled by Masters. JR and Lawler are gushing over the idea of God showing up and putting the smackdown on Vince to the point they start to not even give a crap about the match. Carlito puts the Masters Lock on Masters, then hits a body splash to the outside. Some more back and forth ensues and Carlito is getting Roman Reigns (pre-Royal Rumble 2015)-level pops at points. Wow, I forgot how in the RA Era, there was more of an organic approach to getting talent over (even more so than crowds chanting "YES!" and forcing WWE to put DB over to, potentially, their own chagrin). And then Masters starts going on offense.

As the match turns to shit, let's take time to notice something. Carlito and Masters kind of seem like color swaps of each other, a la Scorpio and Sub-Zero. Seriously, their attire is practically the same. Carlito goes all Eddie Guerrero, distracts Masters, and then goes on offense. Carlito should've been an Eddie-like star in WWE. But, well, that probably won't happen. Carlito gets a near-fall, which pisses off Masters. Masters goes all angry ape and tries to superplex him. Carlito hits a slightly botched moonsault for a near fall. We get a decent amount of chain wrestling, followed by a Codebreaker and a foot-on-the-ropes pin from Carlito for the win.

We get a backstage segment from Maria where she says that Chris Masters won over Carlito. We then go to a video where fans give their opinions on who's going to win the Triple Threat match.


We get a couple black guys looking goofy as fuck cheering on Edge and Trips. We get a vet who one-ups himself on his birthday (can't be mad at that). We even get one young fan who says that Edge and Triple H "can't see this." This young man has probably grown up to "BELEE DAT, BITCH!"

After this, Lita and Maria have words. Lita gets called a ho, a cockgobbler, and she retorts with the following: "after Edge wins...we're gonna have a private sex show...because, unlike [the audience, I get sex]." Thankfully, this exchange is over and we can get to some great action.

What's that you say? Ric Flair and Umaga are up next? Armando Estrada's introduction and Umaga's entrance seems to last longer than the gotdamn match. May Umaga rest in peace, but this match was shit. Maybe if Flair was ten years younger and Umaga wasn't as meh as he was in the ring, we could've gotten a decent match. Instead, we get Umaga beating the fuck out of Flair outside. I'm surprised he didn't just start gushing buckets of blade blood. Flair gets the eye poke on Umaga and the crotch shot. Flair then takes to offense with Flair chops, but gets a throat thrust from Umaga for his troubles. Flair rolls out the ring after Umaga almost hits him with a Rikishi ass shot (and it works doubly because family values). This match is one of the flabbiest matches I've seen in a while.

Now, I try not to make comments on wrestlers' physiques because it's weird kinda and I'm not exactly Channing Tatum myself. But, the jiggle factor in this match was just pretty gross. Flair's got that old guy who used to be buff turkey thing going, and Umaga...well, he's fucking Umaga. Umaga gets the win after the Samoan thumb spike. Lawler utters something about, because Estrada is Spanish, he's probably an illegal who won't be seen on RAW because of the "illegal work stoppage."

This PPV of supreme tolerance of others' differences is brought to you by the Be a STAR campaign.
Speaking of being a star, Vince proceeds to pour out a bottle of water and stomp around in it like a senile old man who just got told it was raining. Why? To demonstrate he can, get this, walk...on...water. He then does his best Luke 9:16 interpretation and bread and fish just start flying at him and Shane (who's water makes a heel turn to wine).

Shane: You sure this is a good idea?
Vince: Yes, me dammit! It's GENIUS! Now get the me-damned fish ready.
Next up? We get the recap of the Mickie vs. Trish feud, complete with cooch grab and v-lick. Damn, I forgot how thick Mickie James is/was. That's that DMV booty. I legitimately spaced out of this match and mentally fapped to Mickie James. Sorry, True. Interesting sidenote, contrary to popular belief, Mickie James apparently hasn't lreally done porn. Sun Some other divas, on the other hand...

Trish gets the DQ win after Mickie chokes out Trish with her bracelet.

Oh, goddammit, Maria. I like Maria Kanellis. I really do. She's a talented woman. But, here, she's on the most annoying shit since I had to deal with everyone flooding my timeline with Breaking Bad spoilers. I get it, Walt died gently caressing the soft supple breast of a tank used to cook meth and symbolism. LEMME SEE THAT FOR MYSELF! I digress, though. Shawn Michaels appears, doesn't sell the "God" aspect of the match (lulz), and hypes the match along with a "I got two words for ya!" for the crowd. 

After this, we're given Shelton Benjamin (who I forgot was the IC champion) versus RVD in a "winner takes all" match. First, Shelton is out looking like he just stepped on the scene fresh out of 2000 with his flow-y tiger-biting-a-dragon's-asshole print button up. Hell, I think I had the same shirt when I was in middle school. 

It's RVD circa 2006, and we're a few months out from ECW restarting. So...RVDWINSLOL. Seriously, though. It was a decent enough match, and the psychology was pretty on-point. But it didn't keep my attention like it should have, considering that Shelton and RVD are two pretty underrated wrestlers who almost always deliver. 

Kane versus Big Show is up next in a match that's still going on almost ten years later. As with many Kane versus Show matches, I've got two words for you: "fuck this." We also got more build-up for the (spoiler alert!) Kane versus Imposter Kane match in late May with the whole "oh, let's piss away a couple grand and have the lights redden and someone fuck-whisper the words 'May 19th, you know what happened that day!' over and over." Yes, it was how we got more of Kane's backstory. But hearing that shit over and over again? Nah. We also get another Show/Kane pseudo-double-turn. 

Candace Michelle (who has done porn) gets her rocks off with Vincey Baby, with a scene straight out of Big Black Booty Bitch Squirters 95. The audience goes deathly silent and JR asks what I'm thinking.

"What the hell is that?"

And now, for the greatest, most vainglorious, weird-ass match this side of Jim Neidhart dressing as a Klansman going up against Virgil. Now, I know wrestling sometimes has to be kind of hokey, but this is just completely over-the-top. For Fuck's Sake, "McMahonism?" The harp-centric "God" intro transitioned into a theme that sounded oddly like "Somebody Call My Mama," while making "God" pretty much shuck and jive for Vinnie Mac. The "No Holds Barred" aspect of the match. Jesus...this match is just sheer clusterfuckery. Apologies for being potentially blasphemous here, but what the fuck?

"You and God are going to go straight to hell," Vince says as Shawn goes apeshit. From there, we get Shawn being the hell out of everyone and a ton of Biblical puns from JR and Lawler. And now, this match actually becomes halfway watchable. 

You've gotta give Shane McMahon credit for the bumps he's taken over the years. He was/is a pretty decent wrestler. After Shane gets thrown into the Backlash sign, Vince gets crossbodied through the floor by Vince. Admittedly, that was a cool spot (especially considering that Vince is 60 at this point taking Dudley Boyz-level bumps). Shawn heads back up to the stage and gets KTFO by Shane with a steel chair. This match is made less tolerable by JR's puns, though. And, I think JR is a legend. However, here? I kinda just wish he'd shut up and let the match happen.

Shawn's busted open and Shane bathes in the blood of the innocent (sorry, I had to) while continuing to beat the high hell out of Michaels. Rolled back into the ring, Shawn (after rolling out of the way of a Shane elbow drop), gets beaten with a belt in a pretty uncomfortable spot, since Shawn was whipped like a runaway slave. All we needed were some dramatic stings from the Roots soundtrack. Shane hands Vince a trash can, which Shawn (of course) takes to the skull. Afterwards, Vince goads "God," who "leaves" before Shawn hulks up and takes out Vince. Vince gets his skull cracked by Shane swinging a chair, and Shane gets Shawn's WWE 2K14 comeback and double McMahon superkicks for his troubles. Shawn GETS THE TABLE(S)!!! for Vince and Shane, and goes under the apron for a ladder to give from. This match is starting to get my attention more. Sure, it still kind of sucks, but it's becoming "not that bad."

What happens next?

The Spirit Squad comes out, Shawn dives through them. The Spirit Squad then beats the crap out of Shawn then alley-oops him into the tables set up in the ring.

There's a reason why only Dolph Ziggler remains in WWE in 2015. The Spirit Squad versus DX feud was possibly one of the worst in the modern history of WWE. That and Dolph actually connected with the crowd in ways that the others couldn't. It's sad, too. The Spirit Squad wasn't shit. They were just unnecessary as fuck.

LOL at JR saying "that is bullshit," though.

After this trainwreck, we get Cena versus Edge versus Triple H for the WWE Championship. Do we really need to go through that one? Cena wins (LOL) using a Pedigree counter into a roll-up pin.

Verdict: So, after the dust cleared, the drinks got poured up, and God left the building, we've reached the end of this PPV (thankfully). Was it really that bad?

Yes. In 2006, this PPV, per Wikipedia, was pretty well-received. Looking back, one good match (the triple threat...sound familiar?) doesn't make a great PPV. It makes one good match, a slew of screwy, overbooked finishes, and "God" leaving the building. This is the same company that wanted and still wants people to be all unified and happy and shit outside of wrestling. 

Come for the Triple Threat, stay for nothing else...unless you came (get it?) to hear Candace Michelle fake an orgasm.

Next up? Probably something in WCW...again. So, until next time, I'm the one and only SOTB!!! bidding you adieu and remember: I review the crap, so you don't have to. Stay warm.


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