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Wednesday, February 18, 2015

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WIRTB Review: Greed 2001

Pray for me, if you're the religious type, because we're about to get Greed-y.

Welcome back, Ringers. It is I, the guy who suggested DDP do yoga, even though he himself can't get many poses down pat, SOTB!!! here to review the crap, so you don't have to. In this edition of WIRTB Review, we go back into the annals of WCW and pull out this gem.

I know, it's not good manners to kick a dying horse when they're already dead, but Nathan and the rest of the EOTR team didn't think I could get through this one without hurling my skull through my computer screen to produce sparks, a la Dean Ambrose at TLC 2014.

Good times for all.

We open the show with DDP, ironically enough, hyping up his match with Scott Steiner and the Diamond Cutter. The editing on this promo is pure shit. It looks like something out of a Jerry Springer episode entitled "My Baby Mama Fucked Around and Ruined My Wrasslin' Company." All I've got to ask is this:

What the fuck did I sign up for?

Our first match of the night is Kwee-Wee (who, according to Ye Olde Wikipedia, was not intended to be a gay stereotype, even with the Eurodance theme, the pink get-up, the Goku-meets-Kurt-from-Glee hairdo, and potentially stereotypical mannerisms. He was however intended to be a "Jekyll and Hyde" character) versus Jason Jett. For those who may not know, Jason Jett is better known as EZ Money from ECW. Now, the first think I've noticed about this opening match was the fact that the themes were seemingly ripped out of "Wrestling Theme Tropes 2001." Heavy riffs that seem ripped from WWF (or pop culture) are plentiful throughout.

Kwee-Wee is called a "youngster" when compared to Jett, even though they're about the same age. Schiavone also calls out WCW as riding on the backs of the older guys. The crowd chants "Kwee-Wee Sucks," and Tony Schiavone says that they're chanting for Kwee-Wee. Good lord, it's like Back to the Future. A shitload of telegraphed moves later and Kwee-Wee gets thrown out the ring. Jett plays possum, only to catch Kwee-Wee off guard. Kwee-Wee gets "swerved," as we're told by our announcing team.

Ok, let's stop right here. I'm all for breaking kayfabe, when done correctly. Throwing out "insider" terms like "swerve," "getting over," "midcarders," "buried," and so on, it works--when there's a point to doing so. You do it ad nauseum as WCW did during those last couple years, and you're insulting the intelligence of your audience. I mean, for fuck's sake! We're supposed to suspend belief and think Kwee-Wee and Jason Jett are legitimately kicking each others' asses and your announcing team is supposed to be putting the action over, not being smarks about it. Anyway, Jett wins with the "Crash Landing," a rolling release suplex that looks legit like it could kill someone.

WCW: We're Here to Kill Each Other.

Jett would go on to rebirth the EZ Money gimmick on the indies. Kwee-Wee would go on to a homosexual gimmick in TNA (why am I not surprised?)

Alright, so our next match is Elix Skipper and Kid Romeo versus Rey Mysterio, Jr. and Billy Kidman. A Rey Mysterio double play. Whose wife did I bone to receive this honor?

Ok, seriously, Rey at this point is still pretty awesome. So, let me be unbiased and call this match as it needs to be called. This is a pretty spot-filled match. Not too much in the way of ring story, psychology, or anything other than spots. The match is just spot after spot after SPOT! So, you've got four pretty legit cruiserweight talents in the ring. And all WCW allows for is just a bunch of flippy-do bullshit? And I thought WCW respected the cruiserweights. We then get Romeo and Elix male twerking to celebrate and me reaching for the bleach.

We get Buff Bagwell doing what seems like a parody of Behind the Bash 1988 with Ric Flair, Jeff Jarrett, and Road Warrior Animal talking about upcoming matches. Then, Stacy Keibler enters the ring to generic porn music for the hipster stripper crowd. Why is she not in the WWE Hall of Fame? Seriously. Shawn Stasiak enters to some weird techno rip on "The Dynasty Intro" to get the "Shawn and Stacy Show" going, where he goes on a rant about Bam Bam Bigelow. Shawn starts tossing out photos of himself, because he knew that people would kill each other for Stacy photos.

Our next match? Bam Bam Bigelow versus Shawn Stasiak. So...many...missed spots. WCW was notorious for letting their cameramen capture shit angles. This match was no exception. The match ends with BBB getting sprayed in the face by hair spray and Shawn getting the win.

Hair spray: more dangerous to wrestlers than drugs, prostitutes, and botched spots.

I've still got about two hours to go. And, holy shit, it's Konnan out for our next match.

Konnan and Hugh Morrus versus Lance Storm and Mike Awesome. I still never got how so many non-Canadians were in "Team Canada," when the point of it was supposed to be Canadian pride. Whatever. If the Rey match was nothing but spots, this match is the exact opposite of that. Now, I don't want to piss off Lance Storm (or maybe I do), but he's boring as fuck. He's a solid technician, but he's boring. Not even Daniel Bryan "boring," because at least Daniel can cut a promo, make people laugh with him, and has the "Yes!" chant in his back pocket, should he start fucking up royally. Lance can barely even do that. Konnan sells mostly everything like he got shot out a cannon.

God, this match is boring.

So, while I'm waiting for the end of this match, be sure to check out the new Team DAR single "Green Light" at this link. That's how shit this match is. I've taken to shamelessly plugging music within the body of the review and outside of the closing thoughts. Mike Awesome wins with the Awesome Bomb and I'm ready to stab myself in the eyes.

Chavo versus Shane Helms (with his fake "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" theme) is next for the Cruiserweight Championship. The announcers actually call this match, which is great. There is a lot of chain wrestling in this one, and it doesn't look as telegraphed as some chain combos can. I'm not a big Chavo fan, but this match is one of my favorites. We're given everything you could ask for from a match. Shane wins with a Vertebreaker after a hard-fought match.

And this is where the event again goes from good to shit. Up to this point, the event hasn't been too horrible. It's been bad. I mean, it is WCW in 2001. However, it's been halfway excusable. However, the next match just takes everything awesome about this PPV and shoves it down the toilet.

The Natural Born Thrillers beat Totally Buffed in fifty-four seconds. Fuck this company.

Next up, Ernest Miller versus Kanyon in a match that should've been, time-wise, switched with the Totally Buffed match. This shit goes on for ten minutes. And by the second, I'm already calling for my mama. Ernest hits a sick powerbomb on Kanyon. And, Miller had this match won after that, but no. We get about another six minutes of these two going at it. Miller wins with The Feliner after Ms. Jones kicking the hell out of Kanyon. Kanyon is pissed by this, proceeds to hit the Flatliner on Miller. This causes Smooth, Miller's limo driver, coming out with a chair--and a rip-off of "Smooth Operator."

To keep me from going off the edge, this is Ms. Jones circa 2011.

Booker T and Rick Steiner are up next for the US Heavyweight Championship match. Booker wins. 'Nuff said. Booker was booked to look really strong. However, unlike Roman Reigns, he connected with the fans. One qualm with this match is how the hell did Rick Steiner not see Shane Douglas climbing up behind him, "broken" arm in tow?

Anyhow, we've got two matches left and I'm hating the hell out of this PPV. Our second to last match features Dustin and Dusty Rhodes versus Double J and Ric Flair in a "kiss my ass" match. Dustin looks like a man possessed here, killing Jarrett from the jump pretty much. Then Ric comes out and does the same to Dustin. I'm honestly, at this point, numbed from the fuckery. I legitimately can't properly render a verdict on this PPV at this point because I've just been lulled to stupid by the, well, stupidity of this PPV's matches. Dustin wins with one of the worst roll-ups I've seen.

Dusty after winning: "pucker them lips up and come in here and kiss...my...BIG WHITE ASS!" This line was made even more ridiculous by Dusty's drawl. Dusty does an old-man stink-face to Jarrett and I almost lost my lunch. Afterwards, Double J and Ric Flair hug it out, no-selling everything that just happened. Should I say it again? Fuck this company.

And now, for our main event, which probably cost somewhere between $2 and $5 million dollars to put together. Ok, maybe just a single M. This is the last WCW PPV we're talking about. Michael Buffer comes out to announce DDP and Steiner.

After entrances, Steiner goes off on DDP and the crowd as only Big Poppa Pump can. "Shut up, fat ass," he yells over and over and over. Steiner beats DDP with a kid's crutch and begins to set up a table in front of the Spanish Announcing table. The crutch get hands DDP his other crutch. We come back to ringside as DDP gets clocked by some sort of clock-looking thing (see what I did there?)

By this point, both DDP and Steiner are busted open and then just proceed to try and kill each other. "Count you son-of-a-bitch," Steiner yells at the ref after a near-fall. Steiner no-sells DDP's offense then hits him with a suplex. I'm surprisingly into this match. I don't know if it's Steiner shitting on everyone in the arena or what, but this match is pretty decent. Neither of these guys are really all that technical, but they've pulled out the stops.

After a decent amount of back and forth and a lot of blood lost, Steiner slaps on the Steiner Recliner and picks up the win. He then proceeds to try and kill DDP with the help of Rick Steiner.

So, was this PPV a fair enough send off to WCW? Was it really that bad? Or, well, was it shit?

Well, I remember the DDP/Steiner match being a lot worse than I saw today. Perhaps it was my younger WWF bias, but the main event was not all that bad. The rest of the PPV, however, was an uneven mix between clusterfuck, what the fuck, and fuck this company. And, let's face it: two good matches don't make a great PPV. So, yes, this PPV was really that bad. Come for the main event if you want to hear/see some Steinermania. Stay for Chavo versus Helms. Fuck pretty much everything else.

Up next, I'll take a look at 1998's Hogan versus Warrior II. So, until next time, Ringers, this is Speed on the Beat saying I review the crap, so you don't have to. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to pour up another shot.



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