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Wednesday, February 18, 2015

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WIRTB Review: WrestleMania XXVII

Greetings, everyone. It's SOTB!!! back with another edition of "Was It Really That Bad" Review, sponsored by Bacardi 151 and the good folks at EyesontheRing.com.

Spoiler Alert: This is the payoff of the night.

Alright, so recently, I got a tip from EOTR's own Big Jon to check out WrestleMania XXVII to determine the question that's on everyone's mind (well, hopefully): was it really that bad? WM XXVII was the PPV in which Edge wrestled his last match, we got a lot of wonkiness, CM Punk as leader of The New Nexus, and the culmination of the Cena/Miz/Rock feud, which ended up becoming the backbone for OnceTwice in a Lifetime.

Our show begins with one of my former baes, Keri Hilson, singing "America the Beautiful." I won't bother you with a full-on review of her singing, because that's what my other site is for, shameless plug. She does, however, at least halfway do the song justice (even if she starts to do too many runs). Instead, just gaze at her booty and crazily-long legs.

So far, we're off to a good start, Jon.

After this (and The Rock going on his "Cuck Fena" tip), we go to the first match of the evening: Edge versus Alberto Del Riiiiiiiiiiiiio for the WHC. This is before Brodus Clay became the Funkasaurus and then Tyrus in TNA, so he's still considered a big deal (and a big heavy for a legit talent). Edge comes out with the pomp and circumstances fit for a man who's about to blow out his neck doing what he loves. Now, right off the bat, I have a problem with the WHC being a curtain jerker. This belt has history, but constantly has been treated like the modern-day US Championship.

Edge and Alberto trade bitchslaps to start, and Maggle Cole starts blowing his load over ADR's pedigree. It takes no less than two minutes for these two to start brawling outside and ADR to take it to Edge's injured arm, which will play a big part in this match. We head back inside the ring and ADR lets Edge have it on the ropes. So far, the psychology of this match is pretty decent. The managers aren't taking over. And HOLY SHIT ADR JUST DOVE THROUGH THE MIDDLE ROPE FEET FIRST!

ADR and Edge, after heading back inside, hits an armbar off the top rope. He then gets a spinning heel kick and a big boot for his troubles. After some decent chain wrestling, ADR hits the Enziguri on Edge for a near fall. Edge has his foot moved off the bottom rope, which leads to a schmozz between Brodus, Ricardo Rodriguez, and Christian. ADR hits a sick-looking cross armbreaker on Edge after a missed spear. After powering out, we get the Edgecator from Edge, another powerout, and Edge's final spear in a match in WWE (aside from, y'know, WWE 2K14 and stuff).

Edge, being Edge, doesn't leave on his knees. He instead decides to put Big Gold on the hood of ADR's car, then goes all Goldberg circa 1999. Instead of beating the crap out of it with his hands, like a dumbass, Edge does what normal people would: he uses a crowbar.

Over three years later, ADR would exact some sort of revenge against the white devils by slapping the crap out of a racist social media manager.

Oh, shit. I forgot that Michael Cole had a match in this WM. The cool points are straight out the window. However, we get Undashing Cody Rhodes, one of my favorite iterations of Cody, out next against Rey Mysterio in an old-school Captain America-inspired getup. Now, seeing as we're both under 5'8", I can call him a midget and not feel like I'm being derogatory...I think.

Before it was cool to hate Mysterio (Royal Rumble 2014), I found myself wanting everyone in their right mind to beat the fuck out of him. It's a combination of his horrible theme song, his inability to stay healthy, the fact that WWE turned him more into a tiny flippy-do-doing assclown. If you watch his WCW matches, you'll see that Mysterio, at one point, was more than 619s and grabbing his knee. Somewhere after 2010, he, for me, served no more real use in WWE aside from the ocassional 619. He became something like Kofi Kingston in that he was good for one thing.

The match itself wasn't bad. I just found myself not giving a crap. Cody got the win with a pretty nasty Cross Rhodes after knocking Rey out with his knee brace.

Snoop Dizzle fo' shizzle is in the hizzle with Teddy Lizzle in some sort of American Idol bullshit, because WWE, as usual in the 2010s, is late on cashing in numerous times on pop culture memes.
Let's run down the list, shall we?

William Regal dropped some knowledge.
Khali, enough said.
Zack Ryder kind of predicted how his tenure in WWE would turn out after 2012 by covering Rebecca Black's "Friday," then gets knocked out by Rowdy Roddy Piper.
Yoshi Tastu with Mason Ryan juggling his man-tits to "We Will Rock You."
Hornswoggle in his mute gimmick, who then drops some of the worst wrasslin' bars ever, accompanied by The Bella Twins. Thankfully, or sadly, this was before twerking. So, we missed out on Brie and Nikki "clappin' dem cakes" on the side of Hornswoggle.

Who's up next in this shit show? Oh, The Corre, you say? Cool. I get to see...Ezekiel Jackson and Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel perform back-up duties to Wade Barrett. And who are they going up against? Kane and The Big Show accompanied by Kofi Kingston and OMG IT'S SANTINO?! Unholy hell, this is the first time Santino has appeared in a WIRTB Review. Kofi too, but fuck Kofi. 

This match was useless. As hell. Nothing but a schmozzfest, including Kofi diving onto everyone outside the ring. Santino hits The Cobra followed by a KO Punch/WMD on Heath Slater. Four years later, Heath Slater is still jobbing to...pretty much everyone, Kofi Kingston is still employed, and The Cobra is still sold as being a legitimate attack.

Up next, Cage Master Punk versus Mr. #RKOouttaNOWHERE. The set-up to this match was masterfully done, kind of. Per Wiki, because I'm lazy: 
Another plot building up towards WrestleMania involved CM Punk and Randy Orton. Beginning the year, CM Punk became the leader of the The New Nexus.[24] At the Royal Rumble (2011) Punk cost Orton the WWE Championshiptelling him that it was his revenge for Orton by punting him at Unforgiven in 2008 Punk is the World Heavyweight Champion and he is unable to defend his World Heavyweight Championship in a championship scramble which he had to forfeit.[23][25] On February 28 the anonymous Raw General Manager announced a match between Punk and Orton. In addition, the General Manager said that Orton will face one of the members of the New Nexus each week. If Orton lost, his opponents would be allowed to be in Punk's corner at WrestleMania; if he won, his opponent are banned from attending the event.[14] Orton won all of his matches so Michael McGillicutty David Otunga and Mason Ryan are banned from ringside. Before WrestleMania, Punk hit Orton's right leg with a wrench after Punk used Orton's wife as bait to lure Orton to the parking lot.
The match itself delivers. It feels like a blood feud. Orton is given an opponent he doesn't have to completely carry--and/or isn't Cena for the 5000th time. Punk doesn't look like he hates life. The crowd chants for CM Punk, and he's actually there to acknowledge it. Finishers are countered in a way that isn't straight out of the Smackdown vs Raw 2008 playbook. There's even a "Purple Aki" sign in the crowd. Good times. The match ends with an RKO out of nowhere countered from a springboard clothesline.

From here, Rocky is backstage with MEAN GENE talking about John Cena's Number One Fan. Can you guess who it is? It's none other that Pee-Wee Herman, seen below set-trippin' with Rocky.

"Don't make me go get Cowboy Curtis up in this bitch."
The Rock sees potential in Pee-Wee to be a man, then brings out Mean Gene, who's now decked out in Cena gear. After being called a tool, Mean Gene walks off, pissed off. We then get Pee-Wee doing his best (read: worst) impersonation of The Rock. You've gotta give Rock credit for being corny as hell here, but still being able to deliver this with a straight face.

Our HOF recipients are out next.

1) Fuck Abdullah the Butcher.
2) I'd still beat the bricks off Sunny, Skype and all. It's probably because I have memories of her looking like this:

...and not asking people to PayPal her for old-ass pictures. PayPal or not, she'd still get it. 
3) Road Warriors are one of the best tag teams of all-time.
4) Drew Carey's useless.
5) Bob Armstrong is a legend. Plus, one of his sons is Road Dogg. 'Nuff Said.
6) Jim Duggan looks like a drunk.
7) HBK is...well, he's HBK. Even if he is kind of a tool, he's our tool.

Fuck. We've got two more hours to go and my drink's getting light. Now for a word from our sponsors.

Alright, now where was I? So, we've got two hours left of this shit show. Our next match up is Maggle vs. DA KING! We get a recap where King starts beating the fuck out of Jack Swagger and Cole's "impregnable" glass case. Our special ref for tonight is Stone Cold! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!!! So, maybe this won't be a complete clusterfuck. Booker T is out to call the action to no sort of reaction. JR's up next, and pretty much tells Cole to fuck off.

Michael Cole's out next with X-Pac Go Away Heat, shitting on JR and looking like some mix between Steve Carrell and Gumby. Jack Swagger's out with his old rip-off RATM theme. As Swagger goes through his push-up fuckery, the glass shatters and he looks like he just vacated his bowels.

Stone Cold is out on his ATV, almost runs over Thwagger, and has Cole scared. 

And, finally, we've got Lawler out and ready to kick some ass, take some names, and all that fuckery. How in the holy fuck was this match almost as long as the Main Event? I mean, for fuck's sake. We could've even had Sheamus versus Daniel Bryan for the US Championship in this spot, instead of just a random dark match. Lawler beats the hell out of Cole in the "Cole Mine" and I'm beating my head against my desk at this point. Pray I don't end up like Ziggler, circa 2013 and early 2014, depushed and concussed to high hell. 

I can't even speak on the stupidity of this match seriously. Cole beats Lawler by DQ, SCSA stuns everyone in the world, the end.

Next up? Undertaker versus Triple H II. For those who remember, Undertaker and Trips first faced off at a WrestleMania ten years prior, which (of course) Taker won. And, of course, Taker wins here. I don't think we need to talk much about this match, as it was one of the best Taker WrestleMania matches in The Streak. It was brutal, violent, and a great mix of old-school and new-school wrestling styles. The story told in the ring was amazing and could potentially be my favorite Taker match at WrestleMania (yes, that includes the Taker/HBK matches).

From one of the greatest WrestleMania matches to...Snooki. Geez, Jon, you really know how to pick 'em. This event so far has had GREAT highs and horrible lows. The lows, however, are enough to drag this event down. Anyways, our next-to-last match is JoMo, Trish, and Snooki versus LayCool and Dolph Ziggler.

Snooki gets the win with one of the worst splashes I've ever seen, even from non-wrestlers. 

I remember back in the day in middle school, True and I, along with some other people, would stage our own backyard matches during lunch and/or whenever the teachers were running late. One of my finishers was the "Fat Boy Splash," a take on Eddie's Frog Splash with a mix of an elbow drop. My "Fat Boy Splash" got more air than Snooki, and we were probably the same height and weight at this point. And WWE wonders why people shit on women's wrestling from the WWE. You had Snooki win over Michelle McCool and Layla.

Thankfully, we're at the last match of the night at this point, Cena versus Miz for the WWE Championship. At least Cena didn't have his shirt thrown back at him. Truthfully, this match wasn't that bad. Cena and Miz did the best with what they were given. I mean, we all knew that, considering how much shit-talking Rock had for Cena throughout the show, Rock would come out at some point. However, when he did, I still felt cheated out of a match. Cena and Miz were at the point where they absolutely hated the shit out of each other. And here comes Rock to set up Once in a Lifetime, Part One, laying waste to everyone.

At the end of this four-hour spectacle, we have one question left to ask: was it really that bad?

Yes. As mentioned previously in this review, the highs of this event were high, very high. However, the lows, including the Russo-era-esque finish to the main event, just keep this event from being better than it could've been. No titles changed hands, and the main event was a giant set-up for WrestleMania 28. Miz was fed to Rocky without even losing, thus making the importance of the WWE Title less than the (at the time) upcoming grudge match between Cena and Rocky. No, it wasn't as putrid as some pundits would have you believe...but it still deserves its fair share of "ugh" and vitriol.

So, until next time, this is SOTB!!! saying thanks for reading and remember: I review the crap, so you don't have to. Our next WIRTB review, as suggested by EOTR's Nathan, is Greed 2001.

Pray for me.

-Speed on the Beat


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