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Tuesday, March 10, 2015

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WIRTB Review: In Your House #1

It's me, it's me, it's the guy who reviews the crap so you don't have to, Speed on the Beat back for another edition of WIRTB Review. Today, thankfully, I've been spared the dubious honor of, as Joe put it "messing around and getting on smack" after reviewing the Souled Out series for another day. Today's review comes to us by way of True God. So, we know he won't purposefully try to have me jump out of my window.

::looks at title::

The rumors of my death have not been greatly exaggerated, at all.

Live from May 14, 1995, it's In Your House #1, WWF's venture into monthly pay-per-views to generate additional interest for the WWF after the federation had seen some of its worst days in the "New Generation." Because of the successes of the IYH series, we have the modern WWE PPV schedule. So, in about three weeks, when you're watching Roman Reigns crush your dreams and mine, you'll have 1995's In Your House #1 to thank for that.

Our main event of the evening is Diesel/Kevin Nash versus Sycho Sid for the WWF Title. We also have Yokozuna and Owen Hart versus the Smoking Gunns for the tag team titles. Razor Ramon versus Double J and Road Do--I mean, the Roadie, Adam Bomb versus Mabel, and Bret Hart versus Hakushi and Jerry "The KANG!" Lawler. Oooh, and we'll see who the WWF is "giving" a house away to.

After our promo, we're taken to ringside with VINCE MCMAHON, screaming as if he's trying to coach a box of kittens off a roof, and Dok Hendrix (Michael Hayes) looking as ignorant, moronic and racist as ever.

Speaking of racist, the "Modern Day Kamikaze" Hakushi and Shinja are out next for Bret Hart's first match. Now, Hakushi's theme is actually kind of bad-ass. But, the presentation of Hakushi and all just makes for sheer coonery, to quote True.

But, at least he was actually Japanese. Unlike Tensai.
Bret Hart dedicates an ass-whooping to his mom. I know that, if I got my mom the gift of me beating the crap out of a Japanese man, I think she'd just wonder if I've completely lost it. But, different strokes, I guess. Yay foreigners as heels because Amurican nationalism (even though Bret has been pretty damn Canadian). Bret and Hakushi telegraph flippy-do shit to begin. We then get a test of strength and a smidgen of chain wrestling. This match isn't bad, it's just mind-numbingly boring, full of botches and telegraphed offense (and a Hakushi headbutt that clearly missed its mark that Bret didn't even bother to sell), and Dox rambling on like the moron he is.

Too bad Shinja isn't Shinji or he could just get into his giant mommy-robot and end the world.

It's still not Superbrawl 2000 bad, though (yet).

Bret wins with a victory roll but twists his knee in the process of coming out of the ring. Make note of that.

We go backstage for a 1-900 promo with Alundra Blayze that's interrupted by The Puppy Man, Jerry Lawler, hyping up his match...again. Lawler talks his shit until it's announced that Bret's about to come down. This leads to him pulling out a beeper (yay 1990s hilarity) and saying his mom's calling him. We get introductions for the next match and we're back in the ring.

Double J and The Roadie versus Razor Ramon.

I forgot how much of an overseller Jarrett could be. He gets hit by Razor punches that turn him completely inside out. Razor continues to beat the stripes off of Jarrett. Roadie attacks Razor. Dox mocks Razor's accent because borderline racism FTW. Something to this effect continues for most of the match. Interesting sidenote: this match was supposed to feature the 1-2-3 Kid. But, because of injuries, we got this handicapped handicap match. The match's beginning and end weren't bad. The middle of the match is the problem. It's just boring. This match wasn't horrible, just...boring.

What pushes this match into WIRTB territory is its end. After Razor scores the pin post-Razor's Edge, Jarrett and Roadie then start beating Razor down. Who, in 1995 WWF, would you want to come out for the save? Aldo Montoya or anyone else? Apparently, WWF didn't listen, since we get Aldo coming out, getting stomped out as well, and sent on his way. To showcase how bad this era was in terms of legitimate stars, Aldo received a pretty big pop. Aldo is great as Justin Credible. But here? He looks like 2015 Rey Mysterio and Adam Bomb had a baby.

Just...no. Anyway, post-Aldo beatdown, we get (for yet another unknown reason) Savio Vega, Razor's "old friend" or something, coming out as a "fan" and beating the hell out of Roadie. It's like 1998 all over again, but in reverse. After he's carted away by the cops, we get another King promo. This time, he's arguing with Jack Tunney trying to get his match pushed up in the card. But, screw this, because we get a SYCHO SID video package full of Sid doing his best to have some sort of Heath Ledger-era Joker fit. It's pretty convincing. Joke all you want about Sid sucking at life when it came to promos (because he really did), but he could play the silent, crazy mofo better than almost anyone.

Next match, Mabel versus Adam Bomb in a KOTR Qualifier. Nope. Fuck this. We have one of the WWF's first non-big four PPV and we have Mabel versus Adam Bomb. I would've rather seen the West Texas Rednecks duet with The Roadie on a "Rap is Crap" remix. Mabel gets the sloppy squash in about a minute and a half. And, in case you forgot, Mabel went on to win KOTR 1995 against...The Undertaker.

And they said that Vince has never pushed the blacks. That's not true. He just usually doesn't push the blacks who have real talent. I know what you're thinking. "But, Speed. Mabel/Viscera/Big V/Nelson Fraizer, Jr is dead. It's a dick move to speak ill of the dead." But, Mabel just wasn't very good, dead or not. The crowd hates this move, and I don't think it's because they're white either.

Backstage, we get Razor putting over Savio as "the biggest star from the Caribbean." But, what about...oh, I forgot. WWF fans are supposed to be stupid and know nothing other than WWF. Now, Savio is great and is quite accomplished. But, biggest star from the Caribbean? Nah. Anyway, we go back to the ring for Yoko/Owen versus the Smoking Gunns.

One thing I've always wondered is this: if WWF wanted sumo wrestlers, why couldn't they just go to Japan, say "hi sumo, we will respect your awesomeness, but we'd like for you to come into our 'it's still real to a few, dammit' atmosphere and slapbox with Shawn Michaels, E Honda-style" and set something up? Why did they have to always get Samoan wrestlers to play these types of roles? Anywho, this match is boring. It's akin to modern-day WWE where you'll see a match during a PPV that could've just been shown on Smackdown. However, unlike today, 1995 WWF didn't have the luxury of any pre-show matches that could've been shown there. Yoko and Owen get the win.

A few promos, including a highly creepy one from Lawler, later and we're back to the ring. Jerry "THE KANG!" Lawler and Bret Hart are finally squaring up to kick each other's head in (again). This should be great, right? What's that, you say? This match ends up being sheer stupidity, with the anti-American Hakushi teaming up with Jerry Lawler to beat Bret Hart, who then all run out with Lawler's "mom," who's really some twenty-something that, I guess, is kind of meant to parody Lawler's sex stuff?

Next.

Oh, look! They finally are giving away the house. This is done by Todd Pettengill and Stephanie Wiand kinda being weird and calling some guy to give the house away. Wonder if they actually let him keep it.

Now, I'll be honest. The main event of this match, I just poured up a shot of rubbing alcohol, put a lime on it, and chugged. Why? Because that's the only way I'd be able to say that Sycho Sid and Diesel were able to have a great match. And, ya know what? Even after that, I still can't say it. This is the equivalent of 2015 Kane versus 2015 Big Show, slowed down even more so. Diesel is pretty much 1995 Roman Reigns in the way he's over. So, I guess that makes Sid...um...I don't know. The match is mostly punches and restholds. Oh, and get this. WWF must've traveled 20 years into the future because your main event for the evening ends in a DQ.

Yep. I don't even think we need to ask the question. Sycho Sid and Diesel main-eventing and ending in a DQ, Savio Vega (without his Kwang attire, no less), and Mabel. In one PPV. We know that this era of WWF/WWE was kind of bad. Look at this PPV for proof of it.

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