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Monday, April 20, 2015

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WIRTB Review: IYH 3

Oh, New Generation. I really wish that I didn't have to perform defecatory services upon your lifeless corpse. However, you just make it so easy. I'm Speed on the Beat and welcome to yet another WIRTB Review, the EOTR series where I make up my own acronyms and review the crap, so you don't have to. I've taken a break from my Game of Thrones binge-a-thon to cover an event that screams "my little brother booked this in WWE 2k15 because he thought it'd be a great idea to do to give John Cena and Roman Reigns complete reign over the WWE." I'm talking about, as mentioned, In Your House 3 a/k/a the one where we got three belts, one match, and a couple years of WTF afterwards.

If you ever had to make a case for "backstage politics," look no further than this match. And, yes, I'm anticipating Shawn Michaels to superkick the block button on Twitter to block me after this one. Strangely, I'm cool with that. Because this main event shouldn't have happened--video game or otherwise. Anyway, let's get into the matches. Let's run down the dark matches.

Goldust def. Bob Holly: Goldy is at his goofy cartoon stage, but still not completely at his weird sexually open self that we see in the Attitude Era.
Ahmed Johnson def. Skip: Uh,,,enough said. Next,
Fatu def. Hunter Hearst Helmsley: And Rikishi didn't even do it for The Rock this time.
Taker def. Mabel: Because the world asked for this feud, right?

Our first non-darkie (and that sounded so less racist in my head) pits Savio Vega versus Waylon Mercy. In other words, OG Sin Cara's push versus 2015 Bray Wyatt. Savio wins, because reasons that include Waylon (get it? Wailin' [for] Mercy? It's genius!) leaving WWF after this match. But, at least Waylon damn near kills Savio with a brainbuster, right? Because what's more important: not killing the guy in the ring or trying out something new to get over/piss someone off?

Fuck this next match. It's shit. No, literally, there's (kayfabe?) pig slop and shit just around the ring because it's everyone's 274th favorite hillbilly Henry Godwin versus Sycho Sid. First, how the hell did Sid go from being a major contributor to the Next Generation to...this? Well, people stopped giving a shit. That, plus injuries, and him joining the Million Dollar Corporation with...Tatanka. So, again. Fuck this match.

Owen Hart leaves the arena. Smart man, that Owen Hart.

There's something resembling a match between BBB and British Bulldog that they're hyping to come on next, but I'm already saying fuck this company. And that's usually reserved for WCW. BBB doesn't give a shit...at all. Why should I? BBB's big moves get countered and little to no pops. BB's moves get little to no heat. And I give little to no fucks.

Shane Douglas and Razor go up next. Something something punch, something something Razor's edge, something something 1-2-3 Kid run-in to advance his feud with Razor.

Bret Hart wrestles a pirate. No, I shit you not. Bret Hart wrestles Jean-Pierre LaFitte, a guy who was supposedly related to a real pirate. He wore an eye patch for his glass eye and everything. He also tagged with The Mountie at one point. The match was decent, but I couldn't care much considering what came before it and what came after it.

So, with that said, let's get into our main event. Owen Hart left because his wife was preggers. Guess who he's replaced by? The British Bulldog. So, in our main event, we've got Diesel and HBK (WWF and IC Champs respectively) versus Yoko and BB (Tag Team Champions) for a "one ring to rule them all" match. Whichever team won, they'd win all the belts. Or something like that. I watched it on the Network and I'm still slightly confused by it. Anyway, Bulldog spends most of this match getting destroyed. Yoko puts everything in a rest hold. All is lost for a dirty screwjobby finish until...OWEN HART COMES BACK!

And then gets pinned by Diesel.

Nothing about this PPV made sense. At all. It's like having sex with a woman made of barbed wire. The insanity doesn't hurt less the closer you get to the finish. If anything, it's made more insane that you'd put yourself through such stupidity.


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