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Tuesday, April 28, 2015

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WIRTB Review: Victory Road 2011

Alright, you know gotdamn well that if we're going to look at crappy reviews, we've got to look at this one. It's me, the guy who tconvinced Paul Heyman that Sabu versus Sandman at November to Remember would be a good idea (after the acid), SOTB!!! back with another edition of WIRTB Review, the review-centric gobbledygook where I review the crap so you don't have to. So, this one was recommended to me by Nathan a while back, but I hadn't been able to get to it until now. But, without dwelling too much, let's get into it.


So, backstory, right? Hulk Hogan came in and took over shit, as Hulk tends to do. And a bunch of other pre-Destination America TNA fuckery. Sting returned to win Jeff Hardy's belt, and take back control of TNA. In other words, it's late 90s WCW, only fifteen years late. Our show opens with fizzy little pyro and our first match.

Bully Ray versus Tommy Dreamer
One thing I can say is this: TNA tried their damnedest and succeeded in making Bully into a legit badass. He came off as Steiner-like at times, but he was one of the reasons I could halfway tolerate TNA between 2011 and 2014. He starts off delivering your typical "heel ass-kissing the Powers that Be" promo. Dreamer interrupts with some pretty generic music and they just talk. They talk. A match that's supposed to be a fucking slaughter (a no DQ, falls-count-anywhere match) begins with promo on top of promo on top of promo.

After they finally get going, the match fails to excite. Sure, we get some decent SPOTS (such as Tommy driving Bully's face into a plant's chair at ringside), but the early going is kind of meh. Tommy then grabs a bottle of water to go all Triple H on Bully. Taz, not even hiding his sarcasm/disdain for this, remarks "not the dreaded bottle of water" as Dreamer sprays. Water bottles: causing more damage to wrestlers than Abdullah the Butcher since 1998. But, you know what's worse than a water bottle?

A minion.


Yep. Tommy Dreamer, in a No DQ, FCA match, decides to beat the stuffing out of Bully Ray with...a stuffed animal. Now, you know that I try to keep the final decision to myself until the end of the first match, at least. But, fuck this company. Taz(z) asks if that's Spongebob, and I can't help but shake my head at the idiocy on display right now.

And of course they start brawling outside the ring confines and into the stands. We get "TNA" chants right before Tommy almost gets his nuts cracked by a guard rail. Bully goes all Bubba Ray, and Tommy responds by going all Sandman and grabbing the Kendo stick. We get some shit selling by Bully, and a blow-up doll, which Bully lands on in a 69 position. Of course, TNA fans being the awesome bunch they are, start chanting for a 69. Dreamer gets a near-fall and gets a trashcan lid for his troubles.

Bully, for whatever reason, turns his attention back to the gotdamned blow-up doll as Dreamer gets another near-fall. A "we want tables" chant breaks out, because Dudleys. Tommy obliges but doesn't get to use it. Honestly, you can fast forward through most of this match at this point, until the end. Devon comes out with his kids, sets up Bully for a 3D and Dreamer gets the win. I hate when the 3D is performed by someone who isn't Bubba/Bully and Devon.

Next up? LESBIAN POLLEN!

Knockout Tag Team Championship Match: Rosita and Sarita versus Angelina Love and Winter
Our announcing team starts out gushing over how hot (rather "caliente," because diversity) Rosita and Sarita are. Interesting sidenote: Rosita apparently appeared on Love and Hip-Hop New York at some point this past season. Winter comes out looking like she just walked off the Fifty Shades set. The Americans get "USA" chants as RoSa (yay WWE team names) are "foreign" or something. I know that TNA gets the shoutout for being better than WWE at women's wrestling, but not this time. Match was sloppy and just straight boring. RoSa get the win and the lesbian pollen wears off...kinda (mainly because Velvet Sky let the pigeons loose at the wrong time).

Jeff and Karen Segment(s)
Aren't these just a slap in the face to one of TNA's top talents, Kurt Angle? Eh.

First Blood Match: Hernandez versus Matt Morgan
The match starts off hot with a lot of action. Morgan and Hernandez are beating the holy shit out of each other. It's wild that this match is almost more "extreme" than the Bully/Dreamer match. The crowd is insanely into this one, chanting "we want blood." Say what you want about TNA storylines: the wrestling and sequencing of matches in the cards are one of the company's strong suits in my opinion. If this were WWE, we'd probably follow the Divas match with some Santino squash.

And then we get Hernandez trying to blade on the hard camera. Thrice. Or is it?!

Kind of. Because, yes, that happens, but...the match ends when Hernandez sprays food coloring or something onto MM, the replacement ref sees the "blood" on MM and calls Hernandez to be the winner. It was a decent match until the end. The end just negated all that awesomeness.

Ultimate X Match: Karzarian versus Robbie E versus Generation Me (a/k/a The Young Bucks)
TNA was the first time I'd seen The Young Bucks in action, in this very match. I always liked the Ultimate X match: it has all the craziness of a MITB match, the fast-paced nature of a championship scramble or a multi-man tag match, and the originality of TNA (when they're trying to/given the chance to be original). This match, however, is a beautiful train wreck. I can't even describe what I've seen. So, I'd say just YouTube it.

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match: Beer Inc. versus Ink Inc.
This match was alright. That's kind of all I can say about it. Wasn't good, wasn't bad. It just was.

A.J. Styles versus Matt Hardy
It's prime era A.J. versus later era Matt. The end.

Number One Contender's Match for TNA World Heavyweight Championship: RVD versus Mr. Anderson
So, what was a somewhat blood feud ended with a double countout? Ooookay, TNA. I'll go with it.

Main Event
TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match: Jeff Hardy versus Sting
You already know the backstory to this match. If not, just look it up. Jeff stumbles out higher than the nose of an elite piece-of-shit looking down at Baltimore. He damn near rips a fan's arm off. But, the crowd seems none the wiser as we're finishing introductions. It kind of just looks like "oh, shit, Jeff Hardy is being an aloof badass." Kind of. But, then Sting comes out full of energy, kinda looking like "the fuck is this shit," you see that something's up.

Hardy starts walking outside of the ring as Jeremy Borasch announces the contestants. At this point, we should've had a Jake Roberts-esque audible. However, you do that, and because Jeff is on one, you'd run the risk of setting him off further.

After a bit, Bischoff comes out and actually puts over that everything is going according to plan. He says "The Network" has something up their sleeve, goes over to Jeff, mutters something (possibly "you fucked up. You are in no condition to wrestling"), and makes this match a No DQ (the forth of the night).

Jeff spends most of his time doing his best John Cena at ECW ONS 2006 impersonation before getting scolded by Sting. A few punches and a Scorpion Death Drop later, Sting retains.

"This is bullshit," a fan chants.

"I agree," Sting...agrees.

"As do I," I type.

So, the PPV started off promising. Until we saw one of Gru's minions.

Fuck this bullshit.

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