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Tuesday, May 12, 2015

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WIRTB Review: New Blood Rising

After venturing outside of my comfort zone and reporting the news and happenings of current promotions, I'm back to my bread and butter. That is, even though my bread's molded and my butter is coagulated goo now. I'm Speed on the Beat and this is WIRTB Review. For the unbaptized, WIRTB is a segment of EyesontheRing.com where I review horrible PPVs and determine whether or not they deserve the venom they get from wrestling fans. Usually, however, I've seen the PPVs in question in pretty much their entirety.

2000's New Blood Rising, however, is the first that I'm going in blind. For those who stayed away from 2000-2001 WCW, it was a train wreck. And, no, I don't, as some do, put it all on Vince Russo. This era of WCW, the blame for its clusterfuck nature needs to be spread around. For if it's not, we shall repeat the mistakes of the past.

NBR was designed to put over the New Blood faction of "new" wrestlers who came into WCW to start shit and take it over (yep, another "takeover" angle). It also was designed to replace the Hog Wild PPV. There are a few problems with that. For starters, by the time NBR came about, the New Blood had disbanded. Secondly, they disbanded about a month or so before the PPV. Thirdly, since I want to actually get into the PPV versus backstory, Hog Wild was crap. But, NBR, with its nonsensical approach, made many wish that they saw The Hulkster swinging around a motorcycle...or something.

So, the program begins with some pretty crap early-2000s graphics (which really look like they're from 1991) and fans who look way too turnt up. Next? The WCW sparkler load-blow. Our first match is a ladder match between 3 Count (with Tank Abbott--who probably wishes he could fucking kill everyone out here tonight with his "scissors") and the Jung Dragons. I forgot that Abbott, with his nipple-exposing cutout shirt (for no reason), actually sang during his time with 3 Count. His singing is about as bad as that one match in that one 2001 WCW PPV.

Which one, you ask? Ex-fucking-actly.

So, this match is actually the one I spoke of a while back as being one of the highlights of later-year WCW. I forgot that this shit was over a "gold record" and a "recording contract" for 3 Count. Pretty much, if 3 Count lost, they couldn't sing again, because kayfabe. If they won, they'd continue to sing and the Jung Dragons would, I assume, continue to beat the shit out of them, because kayfabe in WCW. It doesn't take long for this match to go outside, because ladder matches. Wow, seeing Jimmy Yang go here, I'm even sadder that he was just a three-way stereotype (as opposed to, I guess, a two-way one here) in WWE.

Now, if their match at Mayhem was SPOTS!, this match was...well, SPOTS! SPOTS! SPOTS! SPOTS! SPOTS! and more spots. And it was glorious. It wasn't technical at all. And seeing this match, I'm not surprised that the people involved didn't have longer American careers. They were probably broken in half just off this one. 3 Count ended up getting the win, even though Tank almost killed 3 Count.

A backstage promo between The Filthy Animals and WCW Commissioner Ernest Miller later, and we're back to Oriental Riff Rip-off Number Three (a/k/a The Great Muta's 2000 WCW theme) and our next match. Miller and Muta are up for our next match. As a sidenote, all matches are no DQ. Even though eye pokes are shunned, we're given a PPV that's (supposedly) no DQ (hi 2010s WWE). Also, fuck the announcers for using terms such as "real heat." Muta and Miller go back and forth for a bit (yawn) until...interference from Tygress. Yep.

I think we all know where I'm going, but I might as well say it anyway. Fuck this company.

Up next, we have what is possibly one of the worst ideas ever in wrestling. This match almost makes Katie Vick" look sane and makes the "Mr. McMahon Blows Up and Dies" storyline make sense. We've got the Judy Bagwell on a Pole match. Yes, Buff Bagwell's mom has been involved in the feud between Buff and Positively Kanyon because...I truly still don't get why. Fuck this match. Fuck it right in the pussy. My God, if you want to see how not to book a match, here's an example.

After seeing six minutes of brawling (and hearing six minites of Judy scream like some bastard child of a banshee and Sarah Silverman), Kanyon has David Arquette come out for interference, but somehow still loses (and pretty badly).

Afterwards, we get yet another trainwreck. This one is in the form of a fatal-four-way tag team championship match. All that I can say on this match is that it manages to one-up the previous match in terms of sheer brain dead logic (or lack thereof). Run-ins, mistimed spots, announcers working within "shoot" territory, a finish that makes no goddamned sense, a guy getting a push who probably doesn't really need one (Muta, considering he appears at least thrice tonight). Yep, sounds like "classic Russo."

So, what else happens in this shitshow?

A Rip off the Clothes (ROTC) match between Major Gunns and Stacy Kiebler where Stacy miscarries her kid?

A worked shoot where Goldberg says "fuck you" to Russo?

Billy Kidman winning via pinfall in a strap match?

A ref-bump heavy WCW Title match between Booker T and Double J (complete with guitar)?

A "Canadian Rules" match between Lance Storm and Mike Awes--y'know what? Fuck this pay-per-view. I can't seriously get through the rest of this without bleach and a couple shots. And since I'm trying to do the non-drinking thing, fuck this shit. New Blood Rising shows what's wrong with 2000/2001 WCW and what can potentially go wrong with Russo's Jerry Springer Show-like writing style. Too much, too quickly leads to confusion and anger.

But, about that worked shoot match, the Nash/Steiner/Goldberg match. What in the high unholy fuck made Russo think that'd be a good idea? Yes, wrestling fans, even the casuals, have an idea on how booking works. However, to book a match where the "booking" involves one of your top guys losing just because, you're digging two graves for your promotion. One grave is for what could've been had you not been fucktarded. The other is for what is, and what's dying in front of your audience.


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