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Tuesday, June 30, 2015

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WIRTB Review: TWINSIES!

So nice, they had to do it twice.

Hello and welcome to WIRTB Review, the review segment created to (sometimes chronologically) critique pay-per-views (and more) and determine were they really as bad as advertised. Now that the OSW Review riff's out the way, let's get into it. The WWF has a habit of revisiting storylines in an effort to make them "fresh." For instance, Vince vs. Stone Cold became Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H. The WCW Invasion became the ECW Invasion and the NXT/Nexus Invasion. But, that's wrestling in general (see the multiple nWo offshoots and reboots).

However, one thing that should always be left entirely the fuck alone is impostor angles. It's hokey and makes people's belief-suspension capabilities go kaput. But, the WWE has done several of these. Two of which we're going to talk about today.

First, let's look at Taker vs. Taker. We go all the way back to 1994 where Undertaker was, apparently, the WWF version of Jesus Christ. Seriously, go look it up or look at Taker's "ascension" to the heavens.


I know that we, as wrestling fans, are asked to suspend reality a lot. But, for fuck's sake! When your angle starts off with someone being WWF Jesus (and this is even before Taker's obsession with crucifying people), you're in for some stupidity. As time went on (and Taker legit recovered from an injury), Ted DiBiase (the guy who originally introduced Taker back in 1990), never the guy to shy away from money, introduced a NEW Undertaker.

Brian Lee, a man who's at least three inches shorter than The Undertaker.

After some back and forths, we're given a match at SummerSlam 1994 to determine the "real" Undertaker. This match was built up as being a battle of giants. A big fucking deal. And what does WWE do for us, the loving fans--and The "Underfaker?"

We get an eight-minute match where Taker delivers several Tombstone Piledrivers and wins the match. That's pretty much all that happened. Now remember: this match was the main event of SummerSlam 1994. Over Bret vs. Owen for the championship. Y'know, the match that was a five-star match?!

Fast forward about twelve years, and we get a similar dose of stupidity.

Kane, in 2006, was slated to appear in the movie See No Evil. As part of this angle, Kane went around going batshit crazy on anyone who mentioned "May 19th." There was additional backstory added to Kane's character--but, if WWE doesn't care, you shouldn't either, most the time, I guess. I mean, with Kane, he's almost always retconned anyway. So, who gives a shit?

Around the end of May 2006, an "impostor Kane" appeared and chokeslammed real Kane.


They brawled with each other. This is possibly because "impostor Kane" was the "manifestation of Kane's broken psyche" or something. It could also be just because reasons and WWE wants to take up valuable time with nothing-ass feuds that make no logical sense. Eventually, after Vengeance--and impostor Kane's win--Kane Kane ripped his mask off the impostor and tossed him out the arena, thus ending the feud with no real payoff. And who was Impostor Kane, you ask?

It was Doc Gallows. Doc fuckin' Gallows. Doc has nothing in common with Kane other than the fact that they can both do a chokeslam. Gallows' wig looked like someone gathered up all the pubes from a porno set, glued them together, and stuffed it inside the Kane mask in a last-ditch effort to relive the Attitude Era.

But, from this, Gallows got more training time in OVW and then returned as Festus, the GAWD gimmick (even though, it's pretty much a riff on Of Mice and Men meets PTSD triggers). Out of Jesse and Festus, we at least got some fun moments in that weird transitional phase between Ruthless Aggression and full-on "PG." We also got the GOAT theme of "Biscuits and Gravy."

   

From Impostor Kane, we just got confusion and horribly worked matches. Oh, and pube wigs. Fuck this shit.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Tagged under:

WIRTB Review: Sting versus Hogan at Starrcade 1997




WIRTB: WCW Starrcade 1997 Sting vs. Hollywood Hulk Hogan

By Nathan Neumann

Hello, It’s Spee... no wait. That’s not right. It’s Truuuuuuu….wait, no that’s not it either. Well I can’t seem to remember my own name, even though I just typed it in my byline, and we are already off to a great start for an article that I just decided to write out of the blue. Normally, this is Speed’s gimmick, but True has done a few and I figured I would jump in on the fun, pending the approval of Speed himself--which I recently got via Twitter.

So, lets get to this terribleness, shall we?




Starrcade 1997 took place on December 27, 1997--at least according to the WWE Network. That, however, is wrong; it did, in fact, happen on December 28, 1997. I shouldn’t be at all surprised at the fact that WWE Network has the date of this show wrong; all of the WWE WCW and ECW PPV dates are wrong by a day. They are all listed as taking place on a Saturday except for the PPVs beginning at WrestleMania 30 going forward, which was the first PPV shown live on the Network. How do I know this you may ask? Because I’m an odd human being--that’s why. Deal with it.

Anyway, let’s get down to the actual point of this article and that is a discussion on a match that was so big it was dubbed the “Match Of The Century” and with a billing like that, it has to be good, right?  Well, not exactly--especially since the match I am talking about is Sting challenging Hollywood Hulk Hogan in the main event of WCW’s version of WrestleMania in Starrcade 1997 for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship.

The way we got to this match was through Sting--who, at the time, was supposed to be a surfer. Or something, because according to his theme song, he was quick as a cat and he was cool and other stuff.  After the emergence of the New World Order and Hulk Hogan’s subsequent heel turn to join them, Sting suddenly turned evil and while everyone thought he would join the New World Order because of the colors he decided to wear around the time, it didn’t go down like that.

Instead, he was WCW’s hero and knight and shining armor and whatever other phrases you can think of to describe a hero of a generation.  So, Sting went from a cool blonde-haired, painted-up dude to a guy who wore a trench coat, white face paint, had black hair and never spoke a word but instead pointed at people (mainly Hogan), sometimes with a bat, while Hogan would freak out accordingly.

This kind of thing would go on from the reemergence of Sting as Crow Sting up until December 28th 1997 and their main event match at Starrcade 1997.  Everything up until this point I don’t actually have a problem with because it was actually built up quite properly.

But then, the match actually happened.

And despite it being built up for a year--and despite the fact that every WCW contracted wrestler that wasn’t used on this night got paid to basically sit and watch the show like a normal person (and you wonder why this company is no longer around?), it wasn’t very good. In fact, Hulk Hogan, in my opinion, never had an effective match as a heel in WCW. They were all the same and they all were quite bland and nothing special.  This match doesn’t differ from that equation at all but instead became a Botchamania classic IMO.

Plus most people forget about this but this very match also featured the WCW debut of Bret The Hitman Hart, which I will touch on a bit later.

This match, like I said, wasn’t very special. But, what sticks out to me was the fact that they made a big deal about Nick Patrick being “selected” as the referee for this particular match--given his past history with the New World Order. The finish was supposed to go as follows: Hogan whips Sting into the ropes and hits him with the big boot. Sting proceeds to fall over like a dead body (go watch it). Hogan taunts the crowd and then hits his patented Leg Drop and covers Sting for the 1-2-3. Sounds like a normal finish, right?

Well, after these shenanigans ensue, Bret Hart--who refereed a match earlier in the night (so that made him an official referee for the night)--gets on the microphone and calls out Nick Patrick for making a fast count allowing Hogan to win the match and retain his title. Which, up until this point, still sounds normal and might look normal to some fans.

However, this move actually made Bret Hart look like a complete moron because he was complaining about a fast count that never happened. Why? The idiot referee Nick Patrick actually forgot that he was SUPPOSED TO MAKE A FAST COUNT. Bret Hart gets the match restarted, Sting puts the Scorpion Death Lock (A version of Hart’s own Sharpshooter) on Hogan and Hogan taps out immediately, which gives Sting the win and the title.  

This should have been a big moment because Sting finally got the World Title way from the clutches of the New World Order. So, Sting should have gotten a proper World Title  run. However, that didn’t happen because they had a rematch the next night on Nitro. You think Starrcade 1997’s finish was bad? Look at the rematch. It led to the dumbest finish I’ve ever seen in a wrestling match. Because of this fuckery, the title ended up being vacated.

...So, Sting’s entire rise ended up being completely and utterly shit on by the idiots that were running the company at the time. Seriously, if you have the time go back and watch that match I’m talking about on Nitro--if you can find it since it’s not on Youtube or on the Network so have fun trying to find it.

So in closing to answer the question that we always answer here with “Was It Really That Bad?”  The answer to the question is a resounding YES, this match is complete garbage and while it was supposed to be the payoff to the Sting vs. New World Order angle it ultimately meant nothing when they stripped Sting of the title due to Shenanigans during their Nitro match.  Great angle, but terrible execution of the payoff and that’s why this deserved an entry to our famed “Was It Really That Bad” series.

Until next time, when I present a Lucha Underground review or an ROH Review, I am Nathan saying so long and hats off to Speed On The Beat for doing this article all the time because this was my first time and my brain feels like it’s going to explode out of my head.


Tagged under: , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear TNA...

By Speed on the Beat
(Ed. Note: This somewhat doubles as a preemptive "WIRTB" on the TNA/GFW connection.)

Dear TNA:

You had one job. One measly, teeny-tiny, minuscule job. Keep Double J away from your reboot and let both you and GFW grow on their own merits. TNA was doing well not relying on its past "glory" to keep it afloat, and GFW steadily gained traction to the point where people were excited about more than their state-of-the-art lighting systems. TNA, even with your apparent mass exodus, you still had a glimmer of hope.

And then Slammiversary happened. Now, I get why it somewhat makes sense. "Invasion" angles are, when done correctly, fun, mindless entertainment. However, just about anyone--and I mean just about anyone--from the GFW roster would've made more sense to win the King of the Mountain match over Jarrett. The booking of that result was Diddy fall levels of bad.


Let's hope that TNA can quickly pull itself out of the hole it's begun to dig in enabling this to happen. Slammiversary wasn't even that bad. Random as all hell without many real storylines (which kind of sucks, considering that this is their WM equivalent), but not that bad. It also wasn't that good for Eric Young to go tell detractors to go copulate with themselves, but he's for the company. What do you expect? And besides, it could've been worse, right?

David Arquette could've come back.


There are worse things than Jarrett "invading" TNA and taking the TNA title as the GFW title...or something like that. He could've forgot what belt he won and rambled on about his legions of fans. However, the invasion storyline is tired. Jarrett winning TNA gold for no real reason is tired. Hell, I'm already tired of GFW and they haven't even had their first taping. Do better, guys. Sheesh.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Tagged under:

TNA and GFW.... Is The Future Bright?



At this point, we realize that WWE is NOT the only dance in town. When asked of their favorite promotion, people usually say WWE, ROH, PWG, NJPW, some even say Lucha Underground. However, the one answer that never comes is TNA. I have never heard a fan say that TNA was the best or their favorite. Now, granted I haven't spoke to every fan but a large number online seem to look at TNA as an afterthought. With a solid roster, great talent, and the innovative X-Division, what is there not to love? Wrestlers who are years beyond their prime, shitty storylines, Dixie Carter, and many other variables keep TNA from truly getting over that hump. There was once a feeling that the reliance on Jeff Jarrett was also a huge hindrance, so when it was announced that Jeff Jarrett was back to wrestle at the Slammiversary PPV, it left me confused.



Jarrett, who went to start the long time mythical Global Force Wrestling, finally got things rolling this month with his first few events. I was a bit concerned about GFW and their success, but with the roster featuring guys like Justin Gabriel, The Young Bucks, Andrew Everett and many more, it seemed like it would be fine. Well, when I saw the first event inside a baseball field, I felt extremely disappointed. Now, I can't judge their choice of venue, however, a baseball field just seems like the worst place to host a wrestling event. Too spacey, fans can't really be that close, the ringside area is odd, etc. The one thing that GFW had going for it was being separated from TNA, and creating their own legacy..... Or it seemed.



Jarrett is now back in TNA, a lot of wrestlers are seemingly leaving TNA, and GFW is now launching regular events. There seems to be a partnership with GFW and TNA, and it seems like the benefits only truly work for GFW. With that being said, people still aren't that excited about this. Why should they be? TNA seems more and more like a sinking ship and even if the rumors of people leaving were just to start a GFW vs TNA war, it would just be great talented wrestlers wasted on more subpar TNA booking. I hope that if this is the plan, they execute it well, but is it too late? Is TNA a lost cause? Is GFW a lost cause? Do we truly care about either organization when you can see a good majority of their roster on better indie shows without the Dixie or Jarrett backing? Only time will tell, but the outlook does not look too bright.

Sorry, Double J.

-True

Friday, June 26, 2015

Tagged under:

Pros and Cons of Dolph Ziggler Re-Signing to WWE



So, the rumors have been buzzing that Dolph Ziggler resigned with the WWE in a multi year deal. Now, I know for most fans, we are happy that one of the best today is still going to be stealing the show on our TVs and WWE Network, but let's look at the pros and cons of this resigning. I would assume a multi-year deal comes with perks, but let's start with the cons first.

CONS

*Ziggler spends more time in the mid card
-Dolph deserves to be a main event player. However, he keeps getting saddled with mid card work and pointless feuds. I really don't get WWE and their start-stop pushes, but this could very well continue now.

*Ziggler and Lana Could Be A Long Term Situation




-Where does Lana and Ziggler go after Rusev heals up? That's the question and the thought of Lana being Ziggler's manager going forward on a regular basis bothers me. The storyline is strange, I see little chemistry between Dolph and Lana, and I would prefer Ziggler to be on his own.

*More Ziggler vs Sheamus Feuds Impending




-Really? Yes. It is possible. I'm damn sure sick and tired of seeing that match and feud.

*Missed Opportunity To Go Elsewhere
-New Japan, ROH, Lucha Underground, TNA even, Ziggler missed an opportunity to attack and win on the indies. Plenty of dream matches missed such as Ziggler vs ACH, vs Aries, vs Ricochet, hell the list goes on and on. Plenty of missed opportunities. Now onto the pros...

PROS

*Ziggler makes a ton of money in the deal
-Multi-year deals are usually pretty lucrative so I assume Ziggler stands to make a decent amount of money with this deal. Great for him.

*Ziggler finally gets elevated to main eventer
-Very unlikely, but there had to be an incentive to make him resign and perhaps this was it. Perhaps a WWE Title run is in the future along with a consistent main event spot finally.

*Mainstream Appeal
-Dolph has mainstream appeal.  He's been making a small name in Hollywood, even attending and getting pulled on stage during a Britney Spears concert. Dolph staying could only keep his name buzzing in pop culture, essentially helping his name and WWE.

*Dream Matches and Feuds




-Ziggler is one of the best in the business today with in ring work. Him resigning means a chance to see him work in feuds with Owens, Balor, Neville, Samoa Joe, Ambrose, Rollins, KENTA, etc.... And even get that feud with Daniel Bryan back running if Bryan stays healthy. That is a huge positive for Ziggler staying.

Conclusion
Ziggler staying can either turn out great or just more of the same. Certainly time will tell, but I truly believe that Ziggler resigned because WWE offered him a deal he couldn't refuse. We'll see if that deal was just a big money grab or really advances the future and career as well.

-True

Thursday, June 25, 2015

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EOTR Roundtable: Who Is The Best Wrestler Today?

The business today has certainly shifted. The wrestling is top notch, promos are improved, the traditional look of a wrestler is no longer the norm. With that being said, there are many great performers in the business today and we sat down to discuss who the best wrestler is today. Sounds like a tough task, right? Keep reading.

@Headliner5
This is not an easy question to answer, you first must decide what style of wrestling you like the best and who best fits that style. I’m really not that picky when it comes to choosing who my favorite wrestlers are, but I tend to stay away from spot monkeys (sorry Young Bucks, you are disqualified).  However, if I was forced to choose one guy who I believe embodies the sport of professional wrestling, then there is only one right answer in my opinion.

That man is Shinsuke Nakamura.  From the moment that man walks through the curtain to begin a match up until you see him walk through the curtain at the end, he is in full character mode. It’s almost as if he isn’t even playing a character, but rather his character is an extension of himself.  That to me is what being a great wrestler is about it’s not just about mastering the moves, it’s also about adapting those moves to a specific style so the same move done by two different people doesn’t look like the same even though by theory it is. From the elaborate entrances down to the way he goes about his matches, it is an absolute privilege to watch him perform in the ring.  He has even brought some of the worst wrestlers in NJPW (Bad Luck Fale) to some of their greatest matches, which is also something someone who is dubbed the “Best Wrestler Today” needs to be able to do.



When I was approached to write this, Shinsuke Nakamura’s name automatically popped into my head and there was only one other person who even came close to touching him for me (Alberto El Patron, who is my personal favorite wrestler right now), but when it comes down to personality and wrestling acumen, Shinsuke Nakamura had this one in the bag.



@Tariku_


The best wrestler today? Most would say Rollins or even Bryan, but in my opinion, it has to be none other than Kevin Owens. A wrestler who doesn't “fit the image” of what WWE wants in terms of physique, but makes up for it with great in ring skill, character, and presence. The man is the total package. He's been running rampant through WWE and making impacts ever since his debut at NXT Takeover in December. At first I thought pummeling Zayn and taking the NXT championship would be the highest he would go for the year, but I was wrong. Some weeks ago he made his Raw and Main Roster debut and went toe to toe with John Cena on the mic and at Elimination Chamber, where Owens would get his first victory in the WWE in his very first match. He's the bad guy you love to hate, the cool heel, the one man NWO. His ability to connect with the main stage crowd so quickly is amazing. His ability to handle 3 feuds on two separate brands and remain a dominant force on his own is amazing. He may have been fed to the Cena monster at MITB, but he was the last man standing. No one has risen in the ranks this fast since Brock Lesnar. He also reminds me of Punk in a way that his promos are more shoot than scripted and they're the TRUTH! Kevin Owens is ready to lead the new school. Along with Rollins, Ambrose, Balor, etc. He will be one of the biggest stars in the E. He already is, to be honest.

@YourBuddyCJ


The question of who the best wrestler in the world is, is a tough question for me. If he was 100% healthy, I would say Daniel Bryan. Since the days of "The American Dragon" seem to be coming to an end, however, I would put my money on Prince Devitt, A.K.A. Finn Bálor.

Bálor is the complete package. He's got a great look, his "demon" alter-ego is about as badass as it gets, not to mention he's incredibly athletic and gifted in the ring. He has become a bit of a role model in both the Indies and on NXT, and he exemplifies everything a pro wrestler should be: charismatic, athletic, entertaining, captivating, and just plain fun to watch. The future lies in the hands of Finn Bálor.



@SpeedOnTheBeat



I'd have to say, and I'm probably showing bias because I've followed this man since he was a kid pretty much, Kevin Owens with a close second being ACH. Why does Owens edge out everyone else? Well, for starters, the guy's like my build but is still able to do things that a hi-flier can. In addition, he's damn strong too. Doing the pop-up powerbomb and F-Cinq without killing himself or someone else when he's only MAYBE six foot even? That alone takes some skills.



However, what makes Owens stand out to me over as best out is the fact that he's the total package. He's not boring in-ring. He's not boring on the mic. He's innovative. He's traveled to London, Japan, and probably has wrestled on someone's random street block. Unlike Jay Z, he hasn't forgotten his roots (sorry Hov) and is still the same Kevin Steen we saw in PWG and ROH, just on a bigger screen, tackling John Cena in arguably classic matches.

@TrueGodImmortal
My pick is Kevin Owens. Though I debated over whether to pick Nakamura, Cedric Alexander, ACH, or even Seth Rollins, the answer became apparent as I went back and watched Owens' matches this year. Every match he has competed in this year carries a big fight feel and he goes above and beyond. His matches with Cena are some of the best so far this year, along with his intense contests with Neville, Balor, Zayn and more. He's the next big heel for WWE and possibly the leader of this new era we are entering. The future is bright in Owens' hands.



So what about you, readers? Who would be your choice for the best wrestler today? Let us know!

-EOTR

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Tagged under:

Lucha Headlines Review: 6/24/15 Episode

Lucha Headlines 6/24/15
By Nathan Neumann @Headliner5



Hello Eyes On The Ring readers, and welcome to the debut edition of Lucha Headlines written by myself Nathan.

You know me from my weekly Ring Of Honor reviews on the site, but I was recruited by Greg DeMarco from VOC Nation to start doing Lucha Underground reviews for them, but I was also told that I could use the same reviews (per some editing to make it site appropriate) for EyesOnTheRing.com

I’ve been toying with the idea of doing Lucha Underground reviews for sometime and since there are only six weeks left of Lucha Underground (sadly), what a better time to start than now?

Lucha Underground made it’s debut on October 29th 2014 and it has revitalized my love of professional wrestling, because for a while I was considering retiring from my fandom. Although ROH was good and I enjoy it, nothing was catching my eye outside of that.  Enter Lucha Underground and my rebirth as a wrestling fan.  I sat down on October 29th not expecting much, but have been completely in awe by the stuff that I have seen and the Lucha Underground official twitter account follows me on twitter (pretty cool huh).

Anyways enough of my rambling, lets get to the review shall we?

Things kick off with a recap of last week followed by joining the band inside of the arena. We then go to the announcers booth where announcer Matt Striker and Vampiro recap the return of Alberto El Patron.

Next, we find out that Alberto El Patron vs. Johnny Mundo is now official for Ultimo Lucha in six weeks time.

From there, we go backstage to a sit down interview with Super Fly as conducted by Vampiro. Superfly speaks of his betrayal of Sexy Star and he says that he was pretty much jealous of her because he lost his mask and she still has hers.  He says that he should have walked away from the Mask vs. Mask match, because if he did, none of this would have happened.  He seemed remorseful towards his actions on Sexy Star, but says that he plans to continue what he started tonight.



Match 1 
Superfly vs. Sexy Star

The story of this match was pretty simple and straightforward. Superfly was going after the mask of Sexy Star the entire time. Sexy Star hits a cross body block to the outside of the ring in a very high impact spot. The end of the match came when Superfly defeated Sexy Star with a powerbomb followed by a Sit out powerbomb to score the pinfall victory.

Result: Superfly defeats Sexy Star via powerbomb combination.

After the match Superfly decided that beating Sexy Star wasn’t enough and he decides to add insult to injury by attacking her more. I’m assuming this will go somewhere within the next few weeks, but for now we are left hanging, and in a promotion like this, I am perfectly fine with it because I try and enjoy it for what it is without overanalyzing it.

From there, we see a vignette hyping Drago who is ready to fight tonight.

Before the next match, Pentagon Jr. vows to make another sacrifice and destroy the man who took his latest and greatest sacrifice away from him in Vampiro. Vampiro gets up off of the commentary desk looking to fight, but Pentagon backs down. I’m not sure where they are going with this, if anywhere, but if it does end up in a match, I have a feeling Pentagon is going to destroy Vampiro.

Next up, we have our second match of the night, which was a four-way match.

Match 2
Aerostar vs. Marty “The Moth” Martinez vs. The Mack vs. Cage
Aztec Medallion match #3 of 7

If you don’t know about the Aztec Medallions, you are not alone, I know of their existence, but not what they do. However, there are a total of seven and apparently once all seven have been claimed we will find out what this entire Medallion business is about. I’m assuming it’s all leading to Ultima Lucha, which is fine with me.

Aerostar was the real Star in this match (pun intended), at one point in the match he hopped on the top turnbuckle and made his way across one of the ropes to the other turnbuckles to deliver a hurricanrana on one of his opponents. Aerostar eventually wins the match with a springboard splash to pick up the third medallion, but there are still four of them out there somewhere that have yet to be claimed.

Result: Aerostar defeats Marty “The Moth” Martinez, The Mack, and Cage to claim the third of seven Aztec Medallions

Backstage, Ivelisse, Son Of Havoc and Angelico are shown training and arguing and doing whatever the hell else they usually do. Ivelisse and Son Of Havoc begin arguing like we are used to seeing from them, but Catrina makes her presence felt. Catrina touches Ivelisse in a weird way and then says that God can’t save them from Death. After that, the Disciples of Death appear via electroshock and take out the trios tag team champions. Catrina then summons Mil Muertes as they head to the ring for his match up next.

Back in the temple and we see Drago in the ring, but he is jumped by Hernandez, who attacks him with a belt and chokes him out before going to a commercial break.  Once we get back from the commercial, the main event gets underway.

Main Event – Match 3
Drago vs. Mil Muertes
#1 Contenders match the winner faces Prince Puma for the Lucha Underground Championship in the main event of Ultima Lucha

Before the match even gets underway, Hernandez runs down to the ring and begins beating the holy hell out of Drago. Drago manages to recover, but still has to face Mil Muertes. The referee asks Drago if he can continue, and like a warrior, Drago says yes, and the main event gets underway. At one point in the match, Mil Muertes bulldozed Drago with a spear. Mil was doing whatever he could do to win this match and was using everything that wasn’t pinned down inside of the temple as a weapon. Back in the ring, Drago hits a desperation Tornado DDT, but wouldn’t last much longer as he fell to Mil Muertes after a flatliner.

Result: Mil Muertes defeats Drago with a flatliner to become the number one contender to Prince Puma and the Lucha Underground Championship at Ultima Lucha.

That will do it for my first review of Lucha Underground for EyesOnTheRing.com. I hope you enjoyed the first installment of Lucha Headlines and if you did just remember that there will be more where that came from (well six weeks more to be exact until Lucha Underground has it’s season finale). If you made it this far, thank you for reading and I will see you right here for another edition of Lucha Headlines.



-Nathan
Tagged under:

WIRTB Review: The Brawl for All


Once upon a time, Vince Russo thought it was a good idea to put jobbers and mid-carders in gloves and have them legitimately try to beat the shit out of each other for a chance to face Butterbean at WrestleMania XV (or something). It was an effort to give people who weren't Rock/Austin/Taker/DX/Mankind something to do and capitalize on the rising popularity of MMA and shoot fighting. According to who you ask, this was either the idea of Russo, JBL, Bruce Pritchard or Satan himself. Keep in mind, though, that this was during the sanctified Attitude Era (further proof that not everything AE-related is white gold-dripped platinum). So, without much other background information, as you should know something about this insanity, I'm Speed on the Beat and this is WIRTB Review: Brawl for All 1998.

Each match was scored on a wonky, janky-ass points system as seen below.


They even tried to make their "tale of the tape" seem "real" and/or like an old-school UFC knockoff.


I haven't seen this much "real sport" in wrestling since Mr. T. versus Roddy Piper. And we all know how that turned out, right? No? Well, let us continue. Because of the Brawl, several WWF talents were reduced to nothing. Dan Severn, a legitimate tough man and MMA legend, lost to The Godfather (technically, since Severn won, but was removed from the contest, because reasons). If you're toting this as legitimate, why the hell would you not allow Severn to continue? What's the worst that could happen? He wins this shit show and continues to be a WWF mid-carder, only to leave and continue to kick ass everywhere else?

Moving on.

As the BFA continued, one thing was apparent. The WWF, in their "real" shoot fighting, wanted to script a result. They wanted "Dr. Death" Steve Williams to win. This is fine, and great, and dandy. Dr. Death is a menacing SOB. He was backed by JR, for fuck's sake! If anyone, aside from Severn, had any chance of making this seem legit and real, it was him.


...that is, until he gets his shit rocked by Bart Gunn in the second round. Then, not only were all bets off, but all bets were flushed down the toilet. Seriously! Bart fucking Gunn? Formerly of The Smoking Gunns? With Billy "Mr. Ass" Gunn? He, of all people, lands a knockout on Dr. Death? That's not to say that Bart wasn't talented with his punches. But, jeez. Couldn't they find someone else to not do "the job" with Dr. Death? And, I haven't even gotten to the end of this catastrophe.

After injuries, a slew of mishaps, and more, we arrive at our final match. Bart Gunn vs. Bradshaw.

Bradshaw loses in about a half-a-minute. Yep.

As a reward for winning the BFA, guess what Bart Gunn gets. Well, for starters, he gets taken off TV. You mean to tell me that we went through all this foolishness, and the winner is buried? And when he comes back, he feuds with Hardcore Holly and has a "boxing" match with Butterbean which lasts about half-a-minute? Most of the other BFA participants end up...lost in the sauce. And the matches themselves were sheer stupidity.

So was it really that bad to watch Butterbean look like he was about to legit kill Bart Gunn?

Yep.

Monday, June 22, 2015

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Pros and Cons of Sheamus as Mr. MITB




Good day. I have been admittedly pessimistic about WWE over the years, as you have probably seen via social media if you follow me(@truegodimmortal). I have not been on the bandwagon of Roman Reigns, never been a fan of John Cena, don't see a point in Ryback as the Intercontinental Champion(or him feuding with Big Show or Miz), but today, I am going to try to be slightly positive about Sheamus as the 2015 Money In The Bank winner as I look at the pros and cons here. Here goes nothing...

PROS
Let's start off positive, shall we?

*Sheamus could cash in on Brock Lesnar




-I think this is a possible con as well as pro. I do have minimal interest in a Brock vs Sheamus match simply for the physicality that would take place in it. Sheamus could cash in on Brock(if Brock were to get the belt back), get a victory, and a Brock vs Sheamus feud could happen. It's also possible Sheamus cashes in and loses to Brock, still allowing a feud to happen.

*Sheamus As A Main Event Heel
-The WWE severely lacks a monster main event heel. Up until May 2015, there was a huge void. You can't keep depending on Big Show and Kane to be giants and garner heat from the fans. Sheamus provides us with a possible alternative that we could have had in Rusev, before he was subsequently derailed by the Cena train. Granted, Kevin Owens is moving into a top heel spot, but at some point, the fans will be mostly on his side, as it usually happens. Sheamus, on the other hand, is not as well liked, and his heel run in the main event would be strictly booed, as needed.

*Roman Reigns Didn't Win
-I know... As funny as this sounds, the upside to Sheamus winning was that Reigns was not handed yet another opportunity that he isn't ready for. Sheamus isn't necessarily a great choice, but he has been in the title picture before, won the belt and ONCE AGAIN, Reigns didn't win. There's a bright side.

*Sheamus Could Lose His Cash-In
-I know... It seems like a negative thing. It might be. However, Sheamus is not guaranteed to become champion just because he has the briefcase. He could cash in and lose, which spares us a Sheamus WWE Title run, but still allows him to knock on the door of the main event.. Now onto the cons(I'll try to keep them to a minimum)..

CONS

*Nobody Wanted A Sheamus Main Event Run
-While I can see the good in Sheamus getting a heel main event run from a roster standpoint, let's be honest: nobody really wanted to see him in this position again. He just came back from injury a few months ago, and he hasn't garnered a ton of heat really. The truth is, Sheamus has never been seen as a true top tier talent and despite him having the briefcase, that does not change.

*Sheamus vs Roman Reigns for the WWE Championship




-Sigh. While the Reigns experiment has been put on hold, WWE loves to force who they choose as THE GUY. Reigns and Sheamus are both products of that and despite neither being a draw, WWE could very well go this route. It would be a terrible idea, but hell, WWE is famous for those.

*Other Deserving Stars Missing Out On An Opportunity




-WWE had a chance to push somebody else other than Sheamus or Reigns with the MITB match. Neville could have won it, setting him on a path for the main event. Ziggler could have won again, setting him up for a much deserved push. They could have included someone else in the match that truly deserved a shot at the briefcase and gave it to me. Sheamus won his first WWE Title back in late 2009 and here we are 6 years later with him winning the MITB, which has been mostly utilized to further a rising star's push. WWE blew an opportunity here.

*Sheamus is Not That Over
-Sheamus, while known and a former main eventer, is really not that over. He has rarely ever been that over. There was a brief period in 2011 I believe where he turned face and started to get over, but fans soured on him after the Wrestlemania 28 debacle with Daniel Bryan and I'd say Sheamus hasn't recovered since. He's had multiple title runs since, but has failed to capture the fans adulation as a face and merely gains a simple "You look stupid" chant because of his hair as a heel. That's not being over, folks. He certainly won't be over after cashing in, as fans will be more so wishing he was back on the mid card versus holding the title.

*Sheamus Joins The Authority


-This is very possible. The last two MITB winners(Orton and Rollins) cashed in while working with the powers that be, and with everything falling apart on Seth Rollins, why not have Sheamus join the Authority if he does cash in to win? Well, for one, Sheamus is not over enough to be the top heel and champ, and secondly that idea has been done to death. Which makes it a very likely scenario.

Conclusion
Regardless of how things go for Sheamus, it seems the bad far outweighs the good in any scenario. We shall see if he successfully cashes in. Only time will tell.

Oh, and P.S.



-True
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Retrospective Roundtable: CM Punk's Pipebomb



Today, we take a look at the pipebomb promo from CM Punk. Hard to believe it's been almost 4 years exactly since it occurred. We gathered the team to discuss the impact and how it changed the business, or didn't. Do we have everyone's attention now?



@Headliner5
Alright, let me make this perfectly clear before I even begin my write up for this, I do not like CM Punk at all, because of the way he handles himself and I have a problem with a few of his actions towards the end of his WWE Career. With that being said, writing this presents a conflict of interest on my end.

However, being that we are approaching the 4th anniversary of the CM Punk “Pipebomb” promo that happened in Las Vegas on June 27, 2011, we here at EOTR have decided to write a collective piece about it. The pipebomb in itself was very good because it changed the way (at least for a while) that WWE did business and forced them (again for awhile) to do something different.

The Pipebomb to me is memorable to for a few reasons, but they probably fit outside of the norm of why other people find it important.  First off, it capped off a terrible episode of Monday Night RAW where John Cena faced R-Truth in a Tables match (for some reason because yay random stipulations that mean absolutely nothing) and R-Truth ACTUALLY beat John Cena (yeah you read that right).

From there, CM Punk went up to the top of the stage with a microphone and proceeded to deliver a great “Worked Shoot” promo. It wasn’t a legit shoot at all, but it was presented in that sense, although everything he said within the promo was pre-approved, whether you want to believe it or not.

This was the start of CM Punk’s Summer of Punk (in WWE) storyline that WWE dropped the ball on big time because they rushed the entire thing. The promo had an impact no doubt, but if the angle was handled the way it should have been, it would have had a bigger impact within the business than it does today. One of the most symbolic things in the promo from my recollection though is the choice of shirt that CM Punk wore. Instead of wearing one of his own, he decided to wear a Stone Cold Steve Austin shirt. So, as I look at it, this “Pipebomb” was CM Punk’s version of the King Of The Ring Austin 3:16 promo if you will, but it didn’t have much as a lasting effect as Austin’s did in my opinion.

Plus where is CM Punk now? Oh yeah, at home on his couch waiting until sometime in 2016 to get his ass handed to him by some Jabroni in the UFC. So while the “Voice Of The Voiceless” claimed to be the voice of the fans, he took his ball and went home and left us the fans without a voice so to speak.

@Tariku_
The Pipebomb. Heard all over the wrestling world. Heard all over the sports world. There's very little moments like this that bridge between kayfabe and reality in wrestling. CM Punk was a skillful but very frustrated wrestler signed to Vince McMahon’s sports entertainment creation, World Wrestling Entertainment. Punk was one of those professional wrestlers with a chip on his shoulder. All he wanted was to prove that he was the BEST. IN. THE. WORLD. The WWE had other plans. Poor booking and missed opportunities caused a lot of frustration and loss of passion for the competitor. Though at times he had very few sparks of greatness, as the feud with Jeff Hardy in 2009 comes to mind. The Straight Edge Society as well. However, the bad outweighed the good unfortunately. Fast forward to the summer of 2011, a rebellious CM Punk made his way up the ramp after costing Cena a match against Ron Killings(R-Truth) armed with a microphone and a silver tongue. Punk would express his anger to the company and career he once had extreme passion for. Punk’s Pipebomb was a wake up call. A wake up to call to a wrestling company that had lost its way since turning PG in 2008. Punk was voicing the frustration of not just himself, but most of the hardcore wrestling fans, especially the ones who grew up in the Attitude Era. Looking back on things, the Pipebomb didn't really change much. It did give more wrestlers instead of “sports entertainers” more opportunities. Daniel Bryan is a perfect example of that. It changed the perspective of what a wrestler is and should be. It was the launching pad for the new generation who got tired of Super Cena. If it wasn't for Punk’s Pipebomb, I don't think a lot of great indy wrestlers would've came to the WWE. From Rollins to Devitt, Punk helped with that. The Pipebomb will be talked about for years upon years as one of the most realistic moments in a sport that is often looked at as “staged”.

@YourBuddyCJ
Even though things went south between CM Punk and WWE, you can't deny the impact that promo had on wrestling. Punk sat Indian-style on that stage and said everything that every true wrestling fan was thinking. I dare say it opened the door to the "reality era," by sparking that desire to allow the talent, not the writers, to input more reality into their on-screen personas. That promo in Vegas not only put Punk in the driver's seat, but made WWE watchable and tolerable again. We had a bit of the second coming of Stone Cold, just a pissed off guy who did things his way, no matter what the powers that be had to say about it. June 27, 2011 was a much-needed breath of fresh air.

@SpeedOnTheBeat
The CM Punk "Pipebomb" promo was the thing that got me back into wrestling. Unlike, say, a Russo work, it felt legitimately real. There was gravity behind it. Here's this guy on WWE speaking of going to NJPW and ROH on live TV. A top heel, with possession of the belt, about to leave the company WITH the belt and defend it elsewhere (a la Flair kind of did during his bounce between WCW, NWA, and WWF era of the late 80s, early 90s)? It was pure insanity and even TMZ and others got into the fray. Not too often do you get promos that send a chill down your spine years later. "Hard Times," "...with a tear in my eye," "Austin 3:16," "Pipebomb." These are all classic promos that have earned their place in wrestling lore.

Now, all the matches from the WWE Summer of Punk didn't exactly pay off (Punk vs. HHH leading into HHH vs. Nash, anyone?). And the feud, as many tend to in WWE these days, fizzled and went into the world of the SMH-worthy. But, when Punk dropped Colt Cabana's name, made it between Phil Brooks and Paul Levesque, and blew Vince the kiss as MITB 2011, it was one of the first times I'd legitimately marked out in years and one of the first times in the same amount of time that I found myself tuning into RAW. I'm still waiting for my gotdamn ice cream bars...although I acknowledge that I'll probably never get them.  

-EOTR

Sunday, June 21, 2015

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ROH Review: 6/20/15

By Nathan Neumann Twitter @Headliner5

Hello once again Eyes On The Ring faithful. Did you miss me? Well probably not...but I am Nathan and I would like to apologize for my absence last week as I had a prior commitment that I had to deal with but I am back this week with another Dose of Honor. Best In The World was Friday night and this is the first show that featured the fall out from that show (well at least they made mention of it but nothing from Best In The World actually continued so that’s saved for later I guess).

There were three matches this week all from the ROH/NJPW Super Shows that took place in May.  These matches took place more specifically at ROH/NJPW Global Wars night 2 so without any further hesitation from yours truly lets get down to the action.

Match 1: Roderick Strong vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

Thoughts: The two start the match off by feeling each other out and matching each other hold for hold and move for move with neither man gaining a significant advantage.  The first real move of the match came when Strong dazed Nakamura enough to hit an Olympic slam to score the first near fall of the match.

Nakamura recovers and hits two different variations on his own Boma Ye Knee as Strong is tied up in the apron.  The two make their way to the outside of the ring and Nakamura hits another running knee on Strong while Strong had his back against the guardrail as we go to commercial.

Back form commercial and both guys have found their way back to the ring and are trading forearms in the center of it.  Strong grabs Nakamura and delivers a double knee backbreaker to score a near fall.  Both men reset and Roderick forces Nakamura in the corner and sets him up on the top turnbuckle.  Nakamura tries to fight Roderick off of him but Roderick maintains control and delivers a running knee of his own. Nakamura recovers after shaking off the impact from the knee and jumps off of the second rope and hits Strong with another Boma Ye Knee. 

Roderick recovers once again and catches Nakamura and locks him in the Strong hold but Nakamura manages to make it to the ropes to save the match for himself for the time being.  Both men are back up and Strong runs off of the ropes and hits Nakamura with a Sick Kick and follows it up with End Of Heartache but Nakamura is out at 2.  Nakamura makes it back up to a vertical base and catches Strong with a Super Kick to the face when Strong was coming off of the ropes to deliver another Sick Kick.  After the Superkick Nakamura is able to pick up the win via pinfall.

Match Result: Shinsuke Nakamura defeats Roderick Strong via pinfall after a Superkick.

Match Rating: ****1/4

Note: This might be the highest star rating you’ll ever see from me for a TV match but this match was excellent and you need to go out of your way to see it. This is probably the best match that will air on free TV this week and only one match from this week even comes close to that and it happened on Wednesday on Lucha Underground.

From here we go to the second match of the night.

Match 2: Michael Elgin vs. Gedo

Thoughts: Ugh Michael Elgin I don’t know what happened to him for me because when I first saw him in ROH I hated him because I didn’t think he was that good.  Then I went on to eventually like him and now I’m back once again to not liking him.. at all! I probably dislike him more this time than I did the first time. Personal thoughts on him aside, lets get down to what actually happened in this match. 

The two men lock up and Elgin easily overpowers the much smaller Gedo, Gedo recovers and tries to figure out how to best Michael Elgin and what his strategy for this match should be.  In the mean time Elgin hits Gedo with a Samoan drop to pick up a near fall. 

Elgin maintains control over Gedo and picks him up for a suplex but leaves Gedo in the air for a half a minute before dropping him down to the mat.  Gedo manages to recover and hits a desperation super kick to score a near fall of his own in which may be his only bit of effective offense in this match.  From there Elgin goes into full Elgin mode (whatever that means, don’t ask me because I just made it up) and hits Gedo first with a buckle bomb and then with an Elgin Bomb to pick up the win via pinfall.

Match Result: Michael Elgin defeats Gedo via pinfall after an Elgin Bomb.

Match Rating: **1/2

From there we go to a commercial, once we get back we are treated by the presence of Mandy Leon and Inside ROH where she quickly recaps both nights of Global Wars and both nights of War Of The Worlds to try and sell some DVD’s.  Hey Mandy I’ll buy whatever it is that you’re selling.

After that segment (and my awkwardness in my last sentence before this one) we head on into the main event which is a six man tag team match featuring the Stars of New Japan Pro Wrestling.

Main Event – Match 3: Kazuchika Okada, Rocky Romero, and Trent Barreta vs. AJ Styles, Matt Jackson, and Nick Jackson

Thoughts: The match starts off with AJ Styles representing his team while his challenger for the IWGP Heavyweight Championship at Dominion in July Kazuchika Okada starts it off for his team.

Both men take a minute to get a quick feel for one another but these two have wrestled so many times before so it doesn’t take them long to start bringing out the big guns.  Styles goes for the Styles Clash and Kazuchika Okada goes for the Rainmaker but both moves are blocked as it is still too early for them to work.  Barreta gets tagged into the match as does Nick Jackson on the other side.  Barreta catches Nick coming into the ring with a northern lights suplex to pick up a near fall.  Barreta makes his way on to the apron but before he can do anything Matt Jackson delivers a superkick sending Barreta to the floor. 

Barreta gets back into the ring and at this point Matt draws Okada into the ring in order to distract the referee so he can gain an unfair advantage on Barreta with a double team maneuver behind Red Shoe’s back.  Barreta recovers and hits a double stomp on Matt Jackson in the corner.  Rocky Romero gets tagged into the match and meets Both Young Bucks in the ring and hits a Hurricanranna on the both of them. 

Barreta and Romero deliver a doomsday device on Matt Jackson on the outside of the ring.  Meanwhile on the inside of the ring AJ Styles hits Okada with Bloody Sunday for a near fall.  Okada recovers and hits AJ Styles with a Tombstone piledriver for a near fall of his own.  Matt Jackson comes into the ring and makes his way to the top rope but Barreta meets him up there and delivers a German Suplex off of the top rope.  The Young Bucks recover and hit a succession of super kicks and AJ hits a drop kick.  The match ends when the Young Bucks hit the Meltzer Driver on Barreta and AJ Styles follows it up with a Styles Clash to pick up the pinfall victory.

Match Result: AJ Styles and The Young Bucks defeat Kazuchika Okada and Roppongi Vice after a Meltzer Driver/Styles Clash combination.

Match Rating: ***1/2

That’ll do it for me and this review of Ring Of Honor Wrestling Television.  A great week for ROH TV as it was one of their best episodes in a while the first match on this show is a must see match but if you can watch the entire hour go ahead and do so you wont be disappointed. 

In closing make sure to follow me on Twitter @Headliner5 and make sure to follow Eyes On The Ring @EyesOnTheRing.  Also make sure to check out the home to my ROH reviews as well as everything else that the EOTR team brings you each and every week over at http://www.EyesOnTheRing.com as we bring you the latest news, views, and reviews from inside of the ring. 

Please make sure to listen to Eyes On The Ring radio as we presented live each and every Sunday night as part of the Elite Podcast Network located over at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ElitePodcastNetwork as we once again bring you the week that was pro wrestling through our own Eyes.

Finally make sure to like us on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/EyesOnTheRing For now I am Nathan saying so long and I will see you right back here next week.  Later Ringers!

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

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Bellator 138 WIRBTB Preview

By Speed on the Beat (@SpeedontheBeat)

Ok, we're trying something different here. Instead of wondering if a past event was really that bad, today I'm looking at an upcoming event and wonder: will it really be that bad? This week, we look at Bellator 138 on Spike. So, even though he can maybe kill me with one swat, should I give two fucks about a Kimbo Slice squaring up against Ken Shamrock in a Bellator fight this Friday that's been, at least, seven years or so in the making.


Uhh...kinda?

See, the thing about Kimbo is that he's a legend. Even if he gets gassed pretty quickly, it's like seeing Andre the Giant wrestle in his WWF main event run. It may not be completely pretty, but it's legendary seeing someone of such a stature and status go out and put on a show. That's even if the show itself may be ugly as hell.

I was a Kimbo fan coming up, since he was this big black [edit: Bahamian] dude beating the holy beejeezus out of people. With ease. Even after Sean Gannon beat him, I was still, to a degree, Team Kimbo. Why? Because, and I feel a bit bad saying this, he is a sideshow attraction among sideshow attractions. UFC, Bellator, etc., it's not pretty. It's downright ugly a lot of the time. So, to see this guy, with little to no official training, come out and halfway hold his own? It was a good time.

Ken Shamrock, on the other hand, is Ken fucking Shamrock. Yes, he's a bit too old to be considered a legitimate contender for anything at this point. Hell, he may be a bit too past his prime to be fighting at all. But, he's Ken Shamrock. I'm sure he won't embarrass himself too much on Friday.

But, even if they do, it looks like Bobby Lashley's fighting too. So, it's like a street fighting/MMA/pro wrestle-palooza. It'll probably be a friggin' train wreck. But, it should be fun to watch.
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WIRTB Review: King of the Ring 1995

Guess who's back, back again? SOTB!!!'s back, tell a friend.


After some EOTR Role Reversal Roulette, I've returned with a somewhat easy WIRTB Review (don't worry, I'm going to get back to the Souled Out series...maybe. I mean, even I can only take but so much punishment). In 1995, WWE sucked more than Sunny in an ECW locker room. 1995 WWE sucked more than a fifty-nine year-old former porn star usually does at trying to portray herself as a squirter...or halfway attractive from the asshole up at this point (and even then, we're completely pushing it). 1995 WWE sucked more than the hookers on St. Paul Street in Baltimore around 5:30 in the morning. Hell, I'd even put the International Incident and 1996 WWE higher than 1995 WWE. At least by 1996, we knew that WWE blew loads and lowered our expectations accordingly. Plus, 1996 WWE at least had the first "Austin 3:16" promo.

Yes, it does, Stone Cold. Yes, it does.

Anyway, let's get into it. Live from Philadelphia, PA, it's King of the Ring 1995 aka The Fat Ass That Gravity Forgot.

Our first match of the evening is Savio Vega and Yokozuna with Razor Ramon and Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette in their respective corners. This match is for the KOTR quarterfinal. There's nothing to this match really. Savio gets the win subbing for an injured Razor. Yay, I guess. My give-a-fuck-ometer is already reaching empty. Savio was never a bad or good talent. He just...existed in WWF/E.

Next up? The Roadie Dogg--err, I mean, The Roadie and Bob Holly. This match was solid, until the finish. The finish was just...no. Just no. Did Vic Venom have a hand in this one? Nope. Russo didn't become part of creative until 1996. This is all...well, who-the-fuck-ever was in charge at this point.

Afterwards, Shawn Michaels and Kama end up fighting to a draw. Now, let me get this straight: one of your hottest talents in the company, he draws. But, he draws to a man who, at this point, is still relatively low-card. He fights to a draw with the Proto-Boogeyman. He fights to a draw with the Ho-less Ho-Train-engineering Godfather. He...y'know what, it can't get worse, right? Michaels lost, but at least Kama is a fucking menacing force, somewhat. He's a big black guy, and we all know big black guys in WWF are usually fucking menacing savages who kill everything in sight...and whatnot.

But, it can't get worse, right?


I think that the Wrestling Gods hate me because I forgot that this was the PPV where Mabel defeated The Undertaker. The fucking Undertaker, a legend, a wrestling god, was defeated by a man who was essentially a jobber that got a bigger chance because he was a bargain bin Kamala (in other words, big black guy who you could portray as an angry big black guy with savage tendencies). Seriously, Nelson Frazier, later in his career, may he RIP, was able to do his own thing. But here? He's Kamala mixed with PN News. 

Plus, his matches at this point were more botch-prone than a Survivor Series 5-on-5 match with 10 Bella Twins clones and Summer Rae officiating. I mean, for fuck's sake, he (maybe, per Kevin Nash) injured Rikishi! If you're out there injuring the Samoans, you know you're fucking up. They're supposed to be impenetrable. He even broke Taker's orbital bone, which led to Phantom of the Opera Taker, but still. Nevertheless, Mabel defeated Taker to move on to the KOTR Final.

After that bit of infinite sadness, we're treated to, essentially, a nothing match between Savio and Roadie--even though it determines who goes to the KOTR Final. It wasn't bad, it wasn't good. It just existed. Even though Savio was booked to be the underdog, I couldn't get behind him--at all. Maybe it was the "Batista/Roman Reigns winning the Royal Rumble over Daniel Bryan" vibe that the Mabel/Taker match had, but I could've given zero shits about this match--and that still would've been too many.


After the previous PPV (IYH 1which I WIRTB'ed a few months ago), we get yet another Lawler/Hart match because everyone in the land brayed with glee at the idea being tossed in our faces again. This time, we get a Kiss My Feet match. What is it with Vince and having one grown man kiss another grown man's body part? I mean, yeesh. There have been countless "Kiss My Ass" matches over the years for no damn reason other than "hurr-durr, sophomoric humor. Derppp Vince like this, so let's keep at it." Hell, Lawler's been involved in a good portion of these clusterfucks.


Now, I wouldn't be as mad at this match if it were kind of a quick squash. But, it goes on for almost ten minutes. That's not even counting the fact that the feud itself had gone on for years before this! At least from this match and feud, we got Isaac Yankem, D.D.S., who evolved into Kane (but not before some sort of match involving a shark cage?!) and still trolls the upper-midcard to this day. Seriously. People talk about Big Show being involved too much. Have you jackholes met Kane?! Even when he's used up his last bit of usefulness, WWE pumps life back into him, injects him into an upper-midcard-to-main-event-level feud/storyline, and lets him linger up there for months (sometimes years) on end. Why? Because they don't have shit else to do with him and they feel bad letting him ease off into the sunset because he's KANE! But, it can't get worse...right?!

We still have close to twenty-five minutes left in this fuckery. However, for the PPV to be called King of the Ring, the KOTR match isn't the main event. That's like having WrestleMania and having the main event be Machine Gun Kelly perform some shit-tastic "rap" music. Or like having Machine Gun Kelly, a skinny white guy who Kevin Owens could probably pick up and murderize with one hand in real life should it ever come to that, pretty much no-sell a pop-up powerbomb (the move which has knocked out quite a few Superstars thus far, including Jesus Juan Cena) like the piece of shit asshat that he is.

KO: "Lace up?" How about "lay down?"

Our last two matches feature 6 talents and maybe one of which can actually move in the ring in a way that doesn't look clunky, clumsy, or tears quads (there! Speed on the Beat finally made a quad joke. Now, I must be part of the IWC, right?!). 

First up, the KOTR Final which sees Mabel defeat Savio Vega to a sea of "ECW!" chants. Now, just last month, Savio was being pushed as a new breed of superstar. He saved Razor Ramon for fuck's sake. Now, four matches into the night (ugh), he's cannon fodder for Mabel? Ok, WWF. I'll bite. Where can I get the crack that you were smoking on twenty years ago? On top of giving Mabel the KOTR title, he ends up getting his top heel billing stripped because he wasn't ready and was dangerous in-ring? Sounds like someone from the past couple years, right? You'd think that WWE would learn from their mistakes once in a fucking while. But, noooooooo. We still get Ryback challenging for the WWE Championship a couple months into his main roster career, failing, getting repackaged ten times, then potentially finding his niche as an upper-midcarder who could still be a competent champion if booked correctly. We still get FAT ASSES pushed to the moon because they're big and tall and look larger than life, even though they move like shit. 

Newsflash, Vince and others. André the Giant, even in his later career, could wrestle circles around Big Show. Why? Many of the super big men of today aren't as agile or as good. It's like they, meaning the Wrestling Gods, stopped making 6'6"+ men who could still go in their mid 30s into their forties since they hit perfection with The Undertaker. He has the bigness of an André. He had the agility of an oversized Shawn Michaels. He can walk the fucking top rope. Sure, his matches against Brock and Bray have been meh. But, wouldn't your matches be meh too if you only went at it once a year? 

You know what? Fuck the last match. Just...no. Fuck it. The field in which I grow my fucks for Tatanka has been barren since I first saw his Indigenous American Ultimate Warrior ass as a kid. And, I don't think we need to ask the question I always pose. Fuck yes, it was that bad. From top to bottom, it was horrid. It was putrid. It was just shit. I'm about to break my WIRTB sobriety after this fuckery.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

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True's WIRTB Review: WWE: Originals Album



It worked so well the first time that we decided to give it another shot as I, True God Immortal, return with another WIRTB. This WIRTB is on the hilarious WWE Originals album released in 2004 featuring the WWE superstars singing original songs likely written by Jim Johnston.

There are few things that are truly once in a lifetime in wrestling. As we learned in 2012-2013, even things promoted as "Once In A Lifetime" don't end up as that(even if they should). Let's hope for everyone that this experiment was just that.

The music begins(or doesn't) with Stone Cold going back and forth with Jim about the lack of beer at the recording session and oddly enough, that's a highlight. For some reason, WWE felt The Dudley Boyz doing their Linkin Park impression was a great way to start this album off. They were wrong. The album(if you want to call it that), continues with the beautiful Trish Stratus trying her hand at a soft love song called "I Just Want You", and Trish doesn't sound THAT terrible actually. The song is just quite hilarious.



We arrive at what I consider the funniest song on this entire project, Rey Mysterio's "Crossing Borders". The song is reminiscent of a bad Baby Bash mixed with a South Park Mexican track. Rey raps most incoherently and slightly off-beat, making an already terrible song even worse. The project takes a funny turn with Booker T trying his hand at rapping, with the aptly titled "Can You Dig It", and the result is not as bad as expected, but it is still comedy. Booker would likely fit well as a rapper in a different setting, but this song is just pure hilarity.




We reach what I consider the comedy highlight of the album, as Kurt Angle raps over a rock-esque beat on "I Don't Suck(Really)", which is hilarious already just off the title. Angle calls himself "the only white rapper in tune with the brothas", causing me to fall out on the floor in hysterics at the sheer absurdity of that statement alone.



Following Angle's atrocity of a song, Lita, who apparently is a rock singer in real life, provides with a song that's not really hilarious, but just plain awful. Lilian Garcia, who is a singer as well, follows this with a very heavy rock song that doesn't feature bad vocals, it's just a very lifeless song. The rest of the album is pretty weak in terms of laughter, until we reach the best song on the album, sung beautifully(in other words, hilariously terrible) by Rikishi, with "Put A Little Ass On It". Rikishi, invoking the essence of a Barry White or Teddy Pendergrass, attempts to provide us with a surefire panty dropping track....... that was essentially inspired by his finishing move, the Stinkface. Stacy Keibler closes out the album with a dance track that's equal parts hilarious and boring(it is possible), and of course, non-rapping ass John Cena's Basic Thuganomics theme was featured here as well.



In conclusion, was this project REALLY that bad?? Yes. It was beyond bad. It was beyond terrible. It is one of the most pointless ideas that WWE has had, which considering, says a lot. Please never let this idea resurface again. R-Truth, stop fucking rapping. That is all.

-True