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Thursday, July 16, 2015

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WIRTB: Bash at the Beach 1998

So...it's been a long time, but I'm glad I left you. Because if I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to feel rejuvenated. True God music plugs aside, welcome back (I think?) to another WIRTB Review. I'm Speed on the Beat, and we all know how this goes. I sit down, watch horrible PPVs and try to figure out if I'm watching because I'm a masochist and enjoy the equivalent of being flogged by a dominatrix or if the pay-per-view was really an underrated gem. Most of the time, I think that I just like pain because it reminds me of what I've lived through. So, today, we're looking at part two of the Dennis Rodman Saga in WCW.

Now, there's a reason I'm skipping 1997's BatB. I just don't give a shit about it. It was horrid, but we knew, going in, that it was going to be horrid. At least this time, we also have Karl motherfuckin' Malone. Let's begin.

I know who's going down. WCW's ratings and financial security.

Our opening match is, essentially, what some "enlightened" wrestling fans think of ECW. We get Raven versus Perry Saturn in a trash-ass match. Lots of weapons and fun stuff. Who wins? Who cares?

Billy Kidman and Juventud Guerrera have your typical late-90s WCW cruiserweight match. It's good. Not classic. Tons of spots. Etc.

Chavo and Eddy/Eddie, after the Stevie/Chavo match that wasn't, get into it in a hair-versus-hair match. It was a solid match in that Chavo and Eddy/Eddie gelled well. Well, I'd hope they would--they're family. But, ya never know. I digress. The match ends with a slightly cheap roll-up from Eddy/Eddie, which results in Chavo losing his shit and chopping his locks himself. That was a cool moment, since Chavo losing his shit played well into the psychology of the match. Plus, Chavo loses his shit unlike many in wrestling.

Dickhole Inferno and Konnan have a two-minute match. Because filler. Oh, and Kevin Nash needed a paycheck.

Oh, shit. Would you look at that!? The Mailman and The Worm aren't the only two-sport athletes tonight. We're also treated to a match between The Giant and Kevin Greene. Now, Kevin Greene is a peculiar case. He was pretty much a Goldberg-like wrestler--except without much of the allure that Goldberg brought to the squared circle (read: the allure that WCW made many people see and believe). So, in 1997, Greene stepped into the ring and teamed up with Mongo...for about a couple minutes. That's when Mongo McMichael decided to turn on him and join what seemed like the twelfth iteration of the Four Horsemen. Greene went to go play football and then came back about a year later, teamed up with Goldberg, and then got into this match somehow.

If you want to see five minutes of nothing, look at this match. Seriously. It's Mayweather defense, clothesline, more Mayweather defense, Greene runs to the corner and gets chokeslammed for his troubles. There. I saved you four minutes of your time.

Next up, after some promos from Chris Jericho, we see Jericho versus Rey Rey for the Cruiserweight championship. Rey Mysterio seems like he got the Super Mushroom, as he's kind of swoll.

Mysterio in his prime

No, not that Swoll. The match starts, though, and every ounce of anticipation I had for it goes straight out the window. It's not that Rey Mysterio is bad. It's just that I can't ever really seem to give two shits about him as a wrestler. Even when he was "super over" with the kids and the "Hispanic crowd" (or at least the Hispanic crowd who watched WWE, per Vince et al), I was just like "ok. I don't get it." Now, I love some Lucha Libre. It's just that Rey doesn't do it for me.

Anyhow, they start having some weird sand wrestling spots. Afterwards, we get some chairshots and some reversals. Finally, Dean Malenko runs interference, distracts Jericho, which allows Rey to get the win and the championship. This win, however, was vacated and reversed the next night on Nitro. And we wonder why WCW went out of business.

We then get a TV Title match. Just...no. Here's what you need to know. Booker T, after a comeback (yay Faces!) retains because Bret Hart decides to, like every-fucking-body else in this shitshow, to involve a chair.

This also happened.

They're teasing the Stevie Ray versus Booker feud. But, who cares? Bret Hart, the guy who was supposed to be one of your biggest draws in your post-NWO/Attitude Era-beta era WCW? He's reduced to pretty much a chickenshit heel whose purpose is to fuel the feud between Booker and Stevie Ray. What's worse is that the fans give no type of fucks about this. At all.

Next, Goldberg defeats Curt Hennig. In about three minutes. Cue the "GOLLLLLDBERRRRRRRG" chants Ted and the guys had on deck every time Goldberg didn't look like he was getting over. Now, I get that this is still around the time that he's getting his Roman Reigns meets John Cena meets Ultimate Warrior in WCW push. He's destroying everyone left and right. But, for this match, this World Heavyweight Championship match, to last three minutes? Come the fuck on! You might as well just had Curt go out, lay down in the ring, and yell as loud as he could, "pin me now Goldberg. It's not like I matter much to this company--or give a shit anyway." It's the same goddamned result either way.

And, FINALLY!, we're at the main event for this fuckfest. A main event that lasts...close to twenty-four minutes. Talk about padding someone's ego, eh Hulkster? Anyway, Cunt
Hulk Hogan and Dennis Rodman go up against DDP and Karl Malone for reasons still unsure to this day. It's weird that WWE always shits on WCW, though, for doing these sorts of things. At least WCW never involved celebrities in their main event feu--oh, wait. That's exactly what this is! So, for 23:47, we get Dennis Rodman and Karl Malone trying their damnedest to not make complete coons out of themselves, while Hulk is Hulk and DDP kind of looks like "why the fuck did this happen? And to think, in about two years, I'll be doing the same shit with David Arquette?!"

Boring chants ensue, because...yeah. About ten minutes in, we get going(?), and the team of Rodman and Hulkster run wild slightly off-the-charts. Seriously. It's matches like this that make non-wrestling fans questions our sanity at times. Like, who in the sheer clear blue and yellow fuck thought this was a good idea? After some more fuckery, including a double head-smash by Hulk, the ref escorts both ballaz out the ring. And who appears? Why, it's Ed Leslie Gimmick Number 18*, The Disciple, here to be a good bottom bitch save Hulk again with a poorly-executed Stunner. Hulk and Rodman get the win, and everyone...prays to the wrestling gods that this shit never happens again.

But, egad! This type of thing happens every day! So, was it really that bad?


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