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Thursday, July 30, 2015

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WIRTB Review: Slamboree 2000

It's almost unfair to speak on David Arquette in WCW. I mean, he seems like a decent guy who loves the business. The money Arquette made from this kerfuffle, he donated to the families of Owen Hart, Brian Pillman, and Droz. He was, for the most part, booked correctly--as a guest star who lucked up, won a title match because Russo, and tried to give the championship back (kind of). So, to completely rag on his title reign seems...almost like I'm not being a star. But, if I'm not a star, somebody lied. So, let's fuck the bullshit and get into this debacle. I'm Speed on the Beat, this is WIRTB Review, and I'm reviewing the crap, so you don't have to.

To understand the insanity of Slamboree 2000, we have to look beyond the clusterfuck of hopelessness known as the main event. No, we have to look at the entire event, back to front, front to back.

First up, we have Chris Candido, accompanied by Tammy Lynn Sytch versus The Artist (Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea), accompanied by Paisley for the Cruiserweight Title. Here, we get Sunny in the middle of her ECW days and her Wrestling Vixxxens days. So, she's, I guess you'd call her comfortably thick, albeit quite strung out. Like, I'd wrap up thrice and contemplate it. I guess that's how New Jack did it.

Commentary on Sunny's not-as-sexy-as-I-remember-sexiness aside, the match itself is confusingly putrid, to say the least. There were nutshots. Restholds. Sunny getting "stripped." Catfights. People being hit with purses. Some of the worst chair shots in history. A top rope school boy which looked like everyone just said "fuck it. I'm getting paid either way." Oh, yeah, and Candido getting the win on a diving headbutt.

Not off to a good start, WCW. GIF Credit: LegitShook.com

After this, we're "treated" to Norman Smiley and Terry Funk battling for the Hardcore Championship. By now, the WCW Hardcore Championship was the Santino of the WCW Championship hierarchy. It was supposed to be "funny," but no one gave a shit after a while. Even the kids begin to tune out. And when the kids tune out, that's when it's all over.

Oh, look. It's Ralphus and he's helping Screamin' Norman. I'm legitimately uncomfortable watching Ralphus--and more so listening to the commentary just go apeshit on how he looks and wrestles. But what gets me even more is Ralphus's "I legitimately may try to have the buttsechs with you" thrusts on the Big Wiggle. If I were Cam'ron, this match could be described in three words: "Pause. No Homo."

But, because I'm Speed on the Beat (and I try to be as encompassing to everyone--except shitty PPVs), I do one thing. I look at this match and think to myself who in the high holy fuck ever thought that this was a good idea? Like, who in the hell thought that taking one of the living legends of wrestling and have him reverse twerked on by real-life Festus would be entertaining? What hellacious, numbskulled, imbecilic ballsack--or ballsacks--rendered this idea into fruition?

...oh yeah...

Moving on, we get a match between Curt Hennig and Mr. Perf--I mean Meat--I mean Shawn Stasiak. Stasiak wins because, well, no one cares why. But, seriously, this was still around the time that WCW thought it'd be a good idea to make Stasiak into Perfect 2.0. See, that could've worked with, oh, I don't know, someone with an ounce of Hennig's ability (like, say, his son--even though Curtis Axel is kind of boring--or Dolph Ziggler, or anyone who wasn't Shawn Stasiak). Fuck this match.

YES! THE GAWD! SCOTT STEINER ALERT!!! But, oh. He's facing Hugh Morrus, I mean Hugh G. Rection a/k/a Donut Ass himself Bill DeMott. Assboy gets leveled for most of the match, because Scott Steiner hates obscene FATASSES! Steiner wins with an elongated Steiner Recliner (geez, there's a lot of weird sexual energy in this PPV, for no fucking reason). But, the spot of the night (Read: one of the worst I've seen) occurs when Hugh goes up for a moonsault and doesn't even care to look back. In the course of this, Steiner rolls the wrong way, and receives knees to the head for his troubles. It's like the botched Shooting Star Press, but worse, because fuck Bill DeMott.

Let's look at some of the people DeMott exclusively trained, outside of the whole OWV/NXT thing. They include The Miz, Ryback, and Fandango. I think my previous "fuck Bill DeMott(s)" stand.

This shitshow has to be close to being over right? Nope. So, let's go through some of the matches at lightning speed--since WCW obviously didn't really give a shit.

Mike Awesome almost kills Chris Kanyon on a powerbomb. There are a lot of bad spots tonight, most of which look destined to shorten someone's career--or life. Pay close attention to this match/feud, for it will come back in the main event (spoiler alert).

Backstage, there's a feud going on between Vince Russo and Elizabeth, because Lex Luger and Buff Bagwell and the New Blood. Apparently, he's planning to strip her in the middle of the ring. Now, Miss Elizabeth is one of the greatest women to ever be near the squared circle. She's also one of the best managers. 

But, I don't want to see her stripped. For a couple reasons. Most of which revolve around the idea that seeing Elizabeth forcibly stripped, for laughs, in 2000, just doesn't make much sense. But, it's 2000-2001 WCW. I'm surprised they didn't have Elizabeth out there in her bra and panties with a dildo in one hand and a sign saying "screw you" with "screw" blanked out in the other. 

Thankfully, sanity prevails, as she hits Russo with a bat, runs out to help her man (no DQ there)...then gets re-kidnapped for her troubles. Oh, and Chuck Palumbo (yes, "Billy and Chuck" Chuck Palumbo) beats the horseshit out of Lex (DQ here).

The seat is WCW's sinking ratings. And look who's in the seat...

Lots more nut shots in the match between Ric Flair and Shane Douglas. This feud should've been better. But, I think, no one cared (see a pattern here?). Ric could still go, but he was teetering at that point where people wanted him to be more a manage/mentor and "wooooo we still want you to be champ, Ric." Shane Douglas, on the other hand, just had personal beef with Ric. That should've been enough to fuel a great feud. But, alas, no. We get David Flair in Sting makeup coming out to aid the New Blood, because daddy issues.

Sting beats Vampiro--with more nut shots from Vampiro (I think the nut shots are symbolic of what we, the audience, are going through. Watching WCW in 2000 is like being shot in the balls).

Hulk Hogan beats the bejeezus out of Billy Kidman and powerbombs Bischoff through a table. So, not only is Hulk a racist and a homophobe...he's a sizeist too (it's a thing; look it up). It all makes sense!

And now, for our main event! Ummm...yeah. So, lots of shit happened. It was a trainwreck. None of the things which happened made much sense. Arquette was still somewhat a fighting champion. For him to "stay out of harm's way," as a face, made no sense. The triple cage match made no sense. It barely even made sense within the confines of the shitty-ass movie for which we have to blame for Arquette as champion in the first place, Ready to Rumble. Have you seen that movie? It's literally the biggest piece of wrestling-related shit this side of No Holds Barred. Also, fuck Hulk Hogan. 

Additionally, the fact that everyone and their mom's brawling on top of this tiny-ass strcuture makes no sense. The fact that David Arquette turns heel and hits DDP with a guitar makes no sense. Tony Schiavone makes no sense. And the ending of the PPV, where Mike Awesome tosses Chris Kanyon off the cage with the play-by-play team talking about Mike Awesome killing Kanyon--about one year after Owen Hart died...IN THE SAME FUCKING ARENA--absolutely makes no sense.

So was David Arquette's heel turn et al really that bad? If you go in with lowered expectations (read: if you know it's going to be nothing but "SWERVES!," nut shots, and offensively bad wrestling), you may find a match or two that catch your eye. However, if you're going in with anything remotely resembling good wrestling on your mind, you'll be mistaken. Also, just fuck the ending of the PPV. Yes, wrestling is offensive at times (look at True's "Racism in Wrestling" articles for further proof). But, come on! That's like TNA having a character named Suicide a year after the Benoit incid--oh yeah...

Anyway, fuck this PPV.


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