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Sunday, January 17, 2016

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Speed's (Possible) Royal Rumble Remedies


Yay...it's that time again. The Royal fuckin' Rumble. I'm sorry that I can't be more enthused, but the buildup for this year's event has been a clusterfuck. Sorry for cussin'. But, seriously! Let's look at how things're being set up and offer some fantasy booking to potentially save the day. Now, I don't usually do fantasy bookings. I sometimes straight up suck butt cheeks at them (just being honest). But, in addition to an upcoming WIRTB, I decided to throw my hat into the ring. Plus, I can't be any worse than WWE Creative at this point...right? And, no. I'm not including anything Daniel Bryan-related, although I hope he gets involved...and fast.

1. Brock Lesnar is in the Rumble

How it's booked now -- So, we've got the Beast Incarnate, the guy who killed The Streak...pretty much acting like everyone else in WWE. "Oh, I want to win the Rumble." This is what we're getting from BURRRROCCCCKKKKKKK LESSSSSNAAARRRRRRR. Now, I love Lesnar. He's a legitimate badass. However, I don't think that the Suplex King is in the Rumble to win, but to serve as some sort of fodder for someone (probably Roman Reigns) to win over.

How it could be booked -- Now, last Monday on RAW, we got Lesnar entering the "One versus All" main event and mauling the shit out of everyone. Who were the folks who got an upper hand? Kevin Owens, Sheamus, and, to a degree, Alberto Del Rio. We know that ADR isn't going to get a Lesnar feud as he's still going back and forth with Kalisto for the US Championship. Additionally, Sheamus--face or heel--he's not really that engaging. His promos suck and his in-ring talent, while serviceable, isn't exactly must see. So, who does that leave us with? 

Kevin MOTHAFUCKIN' Owens. You can have Owens, after Lesnar does his Lesnar thing of eliminating a bunch of folks, get into it even more with Lesnar. Better yet, Owens is on the warpath after losing his IC Championship. So, anyone who's in his way is going to get touched. Lesnar, by default, in some ways, is in Owens' way since they battled. The feud is pretty much written by itself. You've got the "Indie Darling" who Triple H loves and has approached before regarding The Authority versus the man who beat Triple H and Undertaker. It'd be pretty much a "who can beat the fuck out of who the worst" sort of feud. Plus, we'd get to see and hear Owens and Paul Heyman verbally brawl. Speaking of verbal brawls...

2. Chris Jericho is (kinda) in a feud with The New Day

How it's booked now -- Chris Jericho made his return a few weeks back and immediately set his eyes on the "Back of the Bus" crew of Kofi Kingston, Big E, and Xavier Woods. While that barb rubbed people the wrong way (Jericho was accused of flat-out racism, even though it was probably unintentional racism), it's been fun to watch The New Day and Jericho go back and forth. But...we have no real reason to care about this potential feud.

How it could be booked -- I know that Jericho, as amazing as he is, he has a tendency to be a "Jobber to the Stars" in his returns. And while I'm a Jericholic to a degree, I don't see him winning the Royal Rumble. At all. With that said, what can we do with Jericho? Give him a partner to take down The New Day. I'm not a big fan of the Usos getting another run with the belt and Jericho is a great tag-team talent. He's the antithesis of the Divas Champion.. 

3. Charlotte is a heel...kinda?

How it's being booked now -- You've seen it. She's more like her father than the face of the Divas division. However, she's kind of a one-note champion (I let my daddy help me win because I'm a Flair) and character.

How it could be booked -- Charlotte can definitely stand on her own. If you want to have her go full-on heel, you might as well book her more like old-school eye-rake Flair and less like late 2000s, I'm about to retire Ric Flair. She needs a mean streak and a desperation streak. Other than that, she needs an opponent who isn't a Bella--or even Becky Lynch, as much as I love her. If Sasha's healthy. book Charlotte versus Sasha. There's some great history between them, plus it'd eventually set up for a Bayley main roster debut. But, let's not forget some of our main problems. For instance...

4. Roman Reigns talks too much.

How it's being booked now -- Reigns is being portrayed as Samoan John Cena. And while I know he's "The Guy" at the moment, he's still not that great with promos. In fact, sorry Roman, he kind of just plain sucks at it.

How it could be booked -- That's simple. Just have that mofo talk less and smile less. Roman Reigns has the look of a badass (even though the Shield gear should be retired ASAP; it just screams "hey. Remember The Shield. You liked them. So you've GOTTA love Roman!!!" in a way that's so friggin' desperate to get him over). But, as soon as he has to do long, live promos, he turns into old-school Brock Lesnar. In other words, you don't want to hear him speak and wanna see him rip someone's liver out and eat it raw.

Keep Reigns away from Paul Heyman, but give him a mouthpiece. I say no to Heyman because as miraculous as Paul Heyman is, it's a bad pairing (even if there are similarities between him and Brock). Plus, that'd probably set up for a potential heel turn by Reigns. 

I'm sorry, but Roman Reigns works better as an ass-kicking, silent heelish character, not Samoan John Cena. Fix this. Now. And MAYBE he'll have a chance to legitimately get over the way that Vince wants. If not, they tried and Reigns can just Lex Luger his way through WWE until the next shift occurs. That, of course, leads me to my next point...

5. The Bu--I mean, Balor Club Rumors.

How it's being booked now -- It's not. We've got to wait until they actually make an appearance/we get some more legit confirmation that they're still coming.

How it could be booked -- Have Finn Balor debut on the main roster at the Rumble. He holds his own and is about to get eliminated by, I don't know, some random midcarder. The lights go out. Folks think it's an Undertaker appearance. Lights come back on and you've got AJ Styles and DOC Gallows in the ring beating the crap out of folks--

Eh. Too messy. 

I still think someone of The Club should debut at the Rumble, potentially as a surprise contestant (that's, mind you, in addition to the main roster debut of Finn Balor. WWE needs that surprise element to pull people back to wrestling. I'm not saying go full tilt Attitude Era. I've seen enough "UBER SWERVES," distasteful Owen Hart references, and birthed hands to last me a lifetime.

However, wrestling fans need more than Cena, Rock, Reigns, etc. doing their same shtick. Or at least some shtick they haven't seen before in the WWE like my final possible remedy...

6. Sami Zayn versus Kevin Owens

How it could be booked -- A couple days ago, Owens and the newly-returned Sami Zayn got into a bit of a scuffle at the conclusion of an NXT Live Event. Prior to Zayn's injury and Owens' ascent to the main roster, they were in the process of rekindling their classic rivalries from other promotions such as ROH. We need this feud to happen, potentially in place of Owens/Lesnar.


There aren't too many "blood feuds" in WWE these days. I'm talking those feuds where both wrestlers are on that "I hate your guts" shit to the point they put on a brutal, classic match. Zayn and Owens have worked together for years and could pull off this sort of feud. If WWE doesn't want to pull Owens/Lesnar just yet, bring Zayn back to the main roster as a Rumble competitor. He gets a couple toss-outs, just like Owens. However, you then have both of them brawl and do the--albeit cliche--double toss-out and continue the brawl back to the ramp.

Boom. You've got a WWE blood feud.

So, in closing, the 2016 Royal Rumble, as is, is probably going to be somewhat "meh." However, if you put in a few changes, you've got yourself an, at the least, decent PPV. But, what do I know? I usually just review horrible PPVs (or at least meh ones) and pick them apart mercilessly.

Happy Rumbling...I think.



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