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Wednesday, November 16, 2016

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EOTR WIRTB: Survivor Series 1994

By @SpeedOnTheBeat  



Survivor Series 1994 sucked. It sucked badly. The end.

…oh. You want me to, like, actually WIRTB this? Sigh. Okay. Let’s get to riffing. I’ll be honest. My head’s not in this one completely since I despise this event to the point of I can’t really even watch it to find the humor in it anymore.



There’s nothing good that came of Survivor Series 1994, unless you consider the Diesel and HBK breakup to be good (it ended up giving us a year long Diesel run so...). The last Survivor Series to take place between Thanksgiving Eve and Thanksgiving, this was one fuck of a shitshowed send-off to the original Thanksgiving PPV concept. Sure, you can argue that Owen’s insistence that Mama Hart throw in the towel for Bret in his match with Bob Backlund was great. I mean, Owen Hart as a heel? Great stuff.


But, the damned thing was part of a thirty-five minute long submission match that featured Bob Backlund having Bret Hart in a submission hold for over nine minutes. Yeah, you read that right. Bob Backlund had Bret Hart in a hold for the same amount of time it takes modern day WWE to have a WHC match (Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus at WM 27 comes to mind), a Women’s match (many of them still don’t go that long), and a goofy-ass “comedy” match that probably will involve James Ellsworth in a couple years (regardless of whether or not he’s really a thing anymore by then). Now, I get that wrestling is all about the suspension of disbelief, but damn. There’s suspension of disbelief and then there’s assuming your audience is full of yum yums with the IQ of a recently-flushed diaper biscuit.


Then again, when you’ve got team names like Clowns R’ Us…you may very well have some of those types in your ranks. And, yes. This is the PPV where Doink the Clown and Jerry Lawler team up with mid—I mean, little peo—I mean, what is the PC term for wrestlers suffering from dwarfism and similar ailments? I think it’s legit “midget wrestler.” But I don’t want to offend anyone in our recently made great again country. Being politically correct and not assuming the worst about people is what America’s founded on these days, right?


Anyway, Doink the Clown and Jerry Lawler team up with midgets and kick the dogshit out of each other the best way possible. That's to say, they do so in the worst way possible. Jesus, who thought anything from this PPV was a good idea?

You had Bob Backlund in overly long submissions, midget wrestlers, Mabel and Lex Luger on the same team because why not, The Kliq curtain-jerking, and Tatanka anywhere near a WWF ring. Fuck this event. Fuck it in its midget wrestler-loving, Bob Backlund-submitting, Tatanka-existing face.



But, all hope can’t be lost, right? We’ve got a match that features Mr. Beardfist himself, Chuck Norris, as a special “ring enforcer.” Yep. Chuck Norris is involved in a WWF match—a casket title match between Yokozuna and The Undertaker, no less—and he’s going to do exactly what you think he’s gonna do. He’s gonna kick the fuck out of people, because duh, do you really expect him to do anything less than kick the fuck out of people? He superkicks Jeff Jarrett for his troubles and blocks King Kong Bundy and Triple B, Bam Bam Bigelow, from interfering…while letting I.R.S. into the ring to JEEZUS SMACK ‘Taker. The Undertaker, of course, gets the W and Yokozuna is dropped down to the midcard.

You know what I’d rather do than watch this match? I’d rather break out my shelltops and partake in my own #UNameItChallenge, then have True film me for my own #MannequinChallenge. Fuck it. I might as well do that. At least I’d have more fun than watching this shitpile of dogfuck. If you want to be disappointed into sadness by a PPV with the whole family this Thanksgiving, go watch this shit. Or, you know, revisit Survivor Series 1990. At least that had the Turkey Groper—I mean, the Gobbledy Gooker. Fucking hell, WWF. I know that certain things were tried out in the New Generation, and the coke wasn’t as plentiful in the 1990s WWF. But who the fuck thought this event was a good idea?

Next time, I may just say fuck it and review the entirety of TNA just to watch the taste of this shit out of my mouth. Maybe. Who knows? Who cares? This PPV sucked. Never watch it unless you want to see the PPV equivalent of crying and hating yourself to... like Sunny’s porno or something. Yes. It is that bad. It is.

-Speed

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